How to Have a Healthy Relationship

23 October 2008

Steps

1. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames others for their unhappiness. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2. Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the differences between yourself, your parents and siblings. Don't expect they agree with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to Have Fun on an outing, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your family, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3. Develop and Use Good Communication Skills to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your parents and siblings have his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4. Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of all family members who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in everyone's favor.
5. Tell the unarguable truth. Be Honest Without Being Harsh, be truthful to yourself and your family. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their parents/siblings. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your family never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6. Forgive one another. Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past. Let Go of Painful Memories and Live in the Moment focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment and anger. Respect your family, when your family members need space, do give him or her the time and space.
7. Review your expectations. Try to Say What You Mean Without Being Mean. Be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes.
8. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your family are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your parents or siblings, own up to it and apologize. You'll be amazed how this works
9. Appreciate Yourself and your family. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to besensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your family that you love them, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10. Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your parents/siblings to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your parents/siblings to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your parents/siblings to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your parents/siblings to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your family.
11. Spend some Quality Time With Your Family. No matter how busy you are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of connection that you have with each other.
12. Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your parents/siblings and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep the relationship in perspective. Just enjoy life and each other!

Tips

• Know yourself and be honest with yourself and love yourself -- first! Only then can you truly appreciate and love someone else.
• Take good care of yourself. Treating yourself with respect and love is as important as respecting and loving your partner. Conduct yourself with dignity, even if you're very familiar with one another.
• All good relationships are based upon mutual respect. If you do not feel respect for your partner, or believe your partner is losing respect for you, then consider ways of rebuilding it immediately. Respect is the key. If you have true respect for one another, then nothing can go wrong. You just have to find the right person to respect, this is the hard part.
• Ask questions, clarify, don't assume. Do not talk if your mind is not clear or full of anger. When you feel hurt, do not say "you don't love me / you never loved me" or "let's break up" or "when do you want to break up?". You will regret one day. Tell him or her you feel hurt, and ask for clarification first.
• Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Be gentle and kind. Apologize if your partner feels hurt(but don't let them make you feel bad). Apology does not mean you are bad, it only means you care. When you are full of anger, it will surely burst out of your mouth if you open it. Calm down first, then think it through, then try to talk. When your partner asks to be left alone, do not blame or criticize. Show your respect and support by give him or her the time and space to calm down and think it through first. But do not leave any unsolved problem for too long.
• Be the first to tell your partner, either positive or negative. Trust is as essential as respect. If you want your partner to trust you, trust him or her first. Letting your partner play guessing games may lead to misunderstanding and frustration. But, don't just tell him or her the issue, also talk about your plan to solve it.
• Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time to teach fire safety principles.
• Communicate with your partner. Without communication, there is no relationship. Stay in touch by, for example, calling your partner even if it's just to say 'hi' and 'I love you'.
• Avoid any activity that could cause your partner to experience doubt, suspicion or distrust - build your credibility and earn trust and respect by always communicating truthfully and proactively, and always keep your words. In this way, if something happens which looks incriminating, your partner will believe you if you claim you are innocent. Past behavior predicts future actions - building a solid foundation of trust and integrity will take you far. However, ultimately your life and where it takes you is more important than your obligations to someone else. If there is trust in a relationship, you should be able to do what you want. You aren't responsible for making someone else jealous.
• Always make sure to show your partner that you appreciate him/her. Whether it's calling them to check in, say I love you, or just spend your Saturday night together. The possibilities are endless.
• Know when to say no, and know when time and space are actually constructive tools.
• It is not always a good idea to answer certain questions with absolute truth if they bring emotional harm. "Do you sometimes think about your ex?" and "do I look fat in these pants?" are both loaded questions. In a relationship, answer questions honestly, but with tact and grace. For example, "I think you have other pants that look better on you" is a helpful answer, instead of simply "they don't", or "they do make you look fat".
• Remember what you don’t do is as important as what you do.
• Avoid flirting with others, especially previous partners or coworkers. Doing so may spur romantic feelings for another. There is nothing wrong with having friends of a gender you are attracted to; just keep flirting out of the friendship.
• Tell your partner how you really feel about your ex and why you're no longer romantically involved. Don't ever lie or cheat on your partner, however one of those questions it's best not to answer totally honestly is "do you still think about your ex?" If you have fond memories, don't dwell on them, and assure your partner that while you occasionally remember places you went or things that happened, you are so much happier to be with your present partner. Period. Don't launch into a rehashing of the old days with the ex, or talk at length about the good times you had together or things you did together.
• 'It can help to learn the difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships' - That way you can see potential problems as and when they arise (Remember - its likely you would see something Unhealthy at some point so don't be alarmed or shocked as there is no perfect relationship because we are all human and fallible). If you see something Unhealthy in your relationship try and work out why this is and see if you can work towards resolving it.

Warnings

• Keep your expectations about the relationship realistic. Marriage should not be on your mind if you've been dating for a week, for example. Nor should you think that the relationship is going to solve all of your problems, or that you'll never be lonely again, or anything like that. Relationships can be wonderful things, but be realistic about them. Just as one can feel lonely in a crowd, one can also feel lonely occasionally when in a relationship - that doesn't mean the relationship is bad, it only means you're feeling a little down. Don't ascribe too much importance to it unless these feelings linger and begin to dominate your days and nights. If this happens, seek help; you may be spiraling into a depression.
• Never under any circumstances stay with a person who has physically abused you. Do not make up excuses for an abusive relationship, "its your fault" it is not. Stay away. If you are in an abusive relationship, seek help, but get out of it. Even if it only happened once, it most likely can happen again.
• Do not assume that any one relationship will be perfect. It is human to experience disagreements and emotional pain. Working past these issues may be an ongoing struggle.
• Do not call it quits when you do argue. When in a state of anger, we can not rationalize and often find ourselves losing control by saying things we don't mean. Hang in there and try to work it out before finalizing a break-up that you will regret afterwards. That said, if you find you are arguing more and more, examine the possible reasons, and talk it over together.
• There is no such thing as a PERFECT relationship. Sure, most of the time you'll be compromising. But don't get shocked or overly depressed because of arguments or fights. This will come for SURE. Without arguments and fights, your relationship will NOT grow stronger.

source: wikihow

3 Things Men Can't Resist in a Woman

27 September 2008

A Woman Who Smiles (more powerful than you might realize)

A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence, warmth and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the wrong impression, they frequently guard their smiles. If the only knew that smiling is one of the things men can't resist.

While this approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the wrong message that she is someone who is overly cautious because she has been hurt.

In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before they’re willing to risk introducing themselves (unless they are intoxicated).

A Woman Who Listens (instead of dominating the conversation)

Women are generally perceived as rarely really listening to men, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time, a few minutes is all men really need. But since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. Men expect most women to want to talk, rather than be willing to listen.

If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. If she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, she’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist and will eventually marry.

A Woman Who Dresses Feminine (men are really visual)

Everyone knows that men are visual. However, women often forget just how helpless men are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize any man. Unfortunately, women hear this and often become fearful. They mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women.

Forget perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men, think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has that adoreable quality that men can't resist. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably – they just don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like sparkly earrings, pretty colors or flowing dresses and long hair does.

Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exists. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses, the more men she will attract.

source: relationship headquarters

Rekindle that "Just-Met-Sex" with your Partner

15 September 2008

Long term love has all its advantages – a strong intimacy with each other, a shared history with the one you love, a warm and satisfying sexual connection. But still, sometimes you miss that erotic charge when your love was still brand new. Here are tips on how to recapture again that spark when you and your partner just started having sex.

1. Create a little distance. Best friends, partners, soul mates – that’s what many couples strive to be. But while that kind of relationship provides warmth and security, it’s not always sexy. The very things that love thrives on like familiarity, stability and security are the very things that can also kill the passion and lust in a relationship. For desire to thrive on, you need to maintain some of the elusiveness and independence you had when you were first together. If you’re too available to your partner, too open with each other, you lose that edge. That’s why for the sake of your sex life, it’s a good idea to make some space. A little bit of distance and separation, both physical and emotional, can actually fuel sexual excitement because it sets up a “thrill of a chase” kind of dynamic, similar to what you had when you were first dating.

2. Rediscover each other. What makes just – met sex so exciting is the sense of the unknown and the anticipation of what might happen. You’re still discovering each other’s bodies, finding new ways to turn each other on and testing new waters. A classic way to reboot your sexual relationship is to go away together, for a week, few days, or even just a night. Call it a sex vacation. It’s an opportunity to go back to the beginning when you didn’t have babies, shared bills, or a mortgage, and your relationship was just about the two of you having fun.

3. Shock your system – The perma-smile plastered on your face, that tingling below the belt, the goose bumps you got when he touched you. Thank you hormones. The novelty and excitement of a new sexual partner triggers the production of dopamine and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that are responsible for that love high.

4. Tune in to your sexy side. When you’re dating, your appearance and sexual confidence are often a priority But once you’re married and have other things going on in your life, you don’t always put as much focus to your sexuality. Think back when you felt sexiest in your life. When you let your inner sexiness shine, he can’t help but respond to that energy.

Adult, Advice, Eroticism, Human sexuality, marriage, marriage success, sex, sex education, Sexology, Sexual arousal, Sexual attraction, Sexuality

What Do Men Really Want?

09 August 2008

Actually, it’s pretty simple, but most women have the hardest time understanding men. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. How many times have men said to their wives, “If you would just trust me?”

Many men wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes.

It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to defend themselves from danger or run away from a threat.

Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physical fight when they feel threatened.

If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to). Little girls don’t have that physical resource of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time “trusting” when they feel vulnerable.

So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply “trust you,” it’s not that she can’t, it’s just that she’s more vulnerable than you are. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help her develop that trust.

Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until her trust in you is established. Thankfully this tool already exists and is known by every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. To her, making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow-through.

A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises – not just hear his pledge without action.
Allow me to illustrate. Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months, all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends.

Then one day you meet me, and during the course of our meeting, you begin to notice that I don’t seem to be as horrible as you have been led to believe. I actually appear to be rather pleasant.
Would you change your entire opinion about me from just one visit? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of several weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change.

A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions.

Over time, what you see will replace most, if not all, of your concerns about my character.
Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions, trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word, it causes your wife or girlfriend to become fearful. From her perspective, she has entrusted you with her heart and WANTS to trust you. She simply needs you to help her trust so she can give you what you want.

source: relationship headquarters

10 Ways to Spot a Liar

22 July 2008

It should be said that women were given a sixth sense for a reason. “Women’s intuition” is not just an urban myth so if your gut is telling you that your man is lying then he most likely is. But if you’re looking for a little more justification than just a funny feeling, here are some experts’ tips:

1. Good liars will often have a quick and smooth response and use tactics that will redirect attention back to you or incite some kind of emotional response in you that can divert attention away from them and the lie,” said Manhattan-based clinical psychologist, J.Cilona. “Most other people might fumble a bit or show embarrassment. This is sign that they are not so sophisticated a liar and perhaps just made a bad choice.”

2. Dr. Eddy Kloprogge of FreudTV says you can detect lies by the way a person is smiling. “Forced smiles are easy to spot since they involved the muscles around the mouth,” said Kloprogge. “In a real smile, more facial muscles besides the mouth are involved. A dead giveaway is tightening around the eyes, which sometimes causes crows’ feet.”

3. Dr. Eddy also believes the behavior of other body parts can be a dead giveaway on whether or not a person is telling the truth. If their arms, legs, or hands are stiff and self-directed then they’re most likely lying. “The hands may touch or scratch their face, nose or behind an ear, but are not likely to touch their chest or heart with an open hand.”

4. “Be aware that sometimes men lie because their lady forces them to,” said Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First. “If you’re overly possessive or jealous or have rules he doesn’t agree with, he may lie to avoid an unpleasant situation.”

5. Be a pseudo detective and check out his story – not by stalking him but by taking time to think through what he tells you. “Many liars are big at making up stories and they believe in being very dramatic. In the end, though, their stories just don’t add up,” said Coy Long, CEO oh Hotlanta Matchmakers.

6. Long also warns that a person who is lying will often times rapidly change the topic of conversation to try and throw the other person off. “They also get really defensive and their tone of voice is inconsistent with their body movements.”

7. Dr. J. Cilona tells people to be very aware of the other person’s answers and body language. “Many people pick up on subtleties without being totally aware of them and new research even shows that we can actually smell fear in the perspiration of others. These kinds of cues are often out of our awareness and get labeled as a feeling or intuition. Consider this to be one of the most important reasons for concern.”

8. Language and word usage can be a telltale sign for liars, according to Kloprogge, who tells clients to be conscious of the other person’s word choice. If they’re repeating your own exact words when answering a question or avoiding direct statements and answers they’re probably not being honest.

9. Answers drenched in humor or sarcasm is an indication that they’re trying to avoid a subject – a big no, no.

10. Silence truly is golden. Kloprogge advises to allow total quiet into the conversation as it will give you a chance to observe their reaction. A person who is lying will most likely become very uncomfortable and restless when there is a pause in conversation.

source: lovingyou