How to Control Jealousy

30 August 2009

Darwin believed it was our body's attempt to ward off competition for mates and protect our offspring. Psychologists often describe it as a close cousin to madness. Whatever its origins, romantic jealousy [1] is often has no basis in reality and makes us feel like we've totally lost it. Not fun. Good thing we're capable of higher reasoning! How to put that thinking brain (and a few shallow quick-fixes) to use to get the jealous beast inside of you under control.

Power of Positive Thinking

You may not be able to control a jealous attack, but you can—with some concentrated effort—redirect the thoughts to a happier place. Psychologist Ayala Pines, author ofRomantic Jealousy [2], recommends concentrating on recent happy times—"like, some loving thing your partner has done recently or of something wonderful that has happened that made you feel great about yourself." It's not a permanent fix, but may keep you from dumping your glass of pinot in that other woman's face.

Get a Second Opinion

Before dissing my partner a jealous-fueled rant, I always call my best friend for a reality check. She does the same. Recently, her boyfriend took a female friend out to dinner on the friend's birthday, just the two of them on a Friday night! I told her that I didn't think he was interested in the woman, otherwise he wouldn't be so flagrant about taking her out, but that it's normal to feel jealous. Then, I told her that I was jealous my boyfriend wanted to hang out with his friends two nights in a row. We decided I'd boarded the crazy train and should keep this one to myself.

Own Your Jealous Freak

A friend of mine, Denise, 28, was recently convinced her boyfriend and his cute coworker [3], had snuck off to a hotel [4] during their lunch hour. But because she felt un-entitled to the way she was feeling ("I knew I was being insane"), she pretended to be okay with their friendship. For folks with jealous tendencies, I entreat you: stop pretending you're not a jealous person. It ends up just bubbling up and exploding. A better method for coping is to start asking lots of questions about the situation/person that has triggered your jealousy. What does she look like, is he attracted to her, what do they talk about? In time, you may be able to ask these questions without sounding accusatory. Baby steps.

Meet the Competition

It's funny how when we imagine our partners running off with someone else, the other person is the most perfect human being in God's creation. These delusions can be remedied through fairly simple means: meet the other person. A former girlfriend of mine was always talking about her coworker, who shared my name, so I had her ask the coworker out to drinks with us. Boy was I relieved to find see she looked like an ogre. Of course, if the person is really hot and cool, you might want to skip to Find Her Flaws. Fyi, Pines says that work-related jealousies are the most common in relationships today.

Find Her Flaws

This is not the most enlightened piece of advice, but a great way to tamper a jealousy attack is to silently, privately study the other person until you identify a flaw to latch onto. "There are a ton of gorgeous people in the world and my boyfriend is good at befriending them," says Kari, 23. "So to make myself feel better I focus on the less than glowing characteristics of the girl—and before long I notice she kinda has horse teeth or hear that she has a degree at a community college or something like that."

Get a Life

Until a few years ago, I dumped everything into my relationships. I had few friends or hobbies outside of work and my partner. (Lame, I know) I got jealous constantly because losing my partner was a very real threat to my well-being. Somewhere along the way, I got very busy (potentially self-absorbed) and now I am just as invested in my job, my band, and my friends as I am my relationships. And voila! I'm less prone to jealousy because I'm just as likely to be the one meeting new people and choosing to do things outside of the relationship.

Steal the Secret of Therapists

Therapists use a process called "flooding" to treat jealousy, but—shhhhh—you can do it at home for free. Set aside an hour to think about the thing or person that is triggering your jealousy and avoid thinking about it at any other time. Make sure your cell is off and there are no other interruptions. Using props—mySpace pictures, that email you found—that create your most intense jealous aches, let your mind "flood" with those feelings. Repeat the process for two or three days, and believe it or not your jealous impulses actually begin to dull and eventually disappear.

Develop a Cheating Survival Plan

As the Eliot Spitzer [5] and John Edwards [6] sex scandals demonstrated, we can be pretty hysterical about cheating and often see it as the de-facto end of a relationship. But, most of us will cheat or be cheated on (it's happened to me twice, and I've committed it twice), and it's not a bad idea to discuss if you can get through it ahead of time. Carolyn, 31, says "My boyfriend and I agree that sleeping with one person for the rest of your life is a little unrealistic and unrelated to what it takes to make a relationship work. So, we've talked about what would happen if we slept with someone else once, and now I think we could get past it."??

Unpack Childhood Baggage

Dad was a big flirt? Mom was out of the picture? That may explain why you keep dating people that make you feel insecure, says Pines. "A child who did not feel secure in mother's and father's love, or as a teenager witnessed one of the parents being unfaithful to the other, is likely to grow up with a greater predisposition for jealousy," she said. Being aware of childhood issues are the first step towards overcoming jealousy triggers.

Trust Your Instincts

There are, of course, instances where jealousy is serving its purpose, and telling you that your relationship is in danger. When my ex-girlfriend started bringing this college girl around all the time, I felt very uneasy. My gut told me she was interested in the youngin'. My gf cheated on me with college gal a few weeks later and we did not have a cheating survival plan in effect. Of course, usually there are other things off about the relationship in a situation like this, but you get my point. Don't be afraid to trust yourself.

Follow the steps above and you'll have your jealousy in check in no time! At the very least you'll start to understand that jealousy is manageable; envy and possessiveness do not have to rule your life.

by Elizabeth Cline

Source : Your Tango

Managing Jealousy In An Open Relationship

13 May 2009

by Annsley Chapman

Depending on your uniquely calibrated emotional Richter scale, jealousy can register as a blip or an earthquake. Some people thrill from the fierce possessiveness that jealousy elicits, while others bristle at what they perceive as a lack of trust. Most experts agree that jealousy is a natural reaction that, when exacerbated, can quickly result in irrational, damaging behavior. While people in monogamous relationships grapple with their fair share of insecurity, jealousy in open relationships can assume complex, surprising forms. Many non-monogamous partners feel unnecessarily stigmatized and guilty during bouts of jealousy—there's that saying about heat and a kitchen for a reason, right?

Not quite. Wendy-O Matik, author Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships [1] and spokesperson for non-monogamous couples [2], says most people feel some jealousy regardless of the structure of their relationships. Phew! With that in mind, here are five steps to keep couples sane and happy during an attack of the green-eyed monster.

1. Lose the Stigma

People living in open relationships often feel guilty and disappointed in themselves for being vulnerable to jealousy. Jealousy can seem like a personal failure or compromising agent because, hey, you signed up for a relationship that allows you both to date other people. "People in non-monogamous relationships can feel pressured to deny or bury their jealousy just because they think it's wrong to feel that way," Matik says. "Instead, we should say, 'Yep, I'm jealous, and it feels really awful.' Denying it, of course, will just make it get worse."

2. Set Down Guidelines

"Open" doesn't necessarily translate to "no rules." Articulate boundaries so that both you and your partner know the limits to each other's permissiveness. Maybe it's okay to spend the weekend with someone else, but the primary pair should be home Sunday night. A couple might insist on always sleeping in the same bed at the end of the night, or being able to meet a partner's new love interest first. If guidelines are laid down in the beginning, there's less opportunity to accidentally snag a jealousy trip wire.

3. Know How to Take Care of Yourself

Matik emphasizes the necessity of personal responsibility and self-soothing activities in open relationships. "We can't expect our partners to take care of all our needs—everyone needs a way to calm themselves down. Maybe your plan is to call your best friend, or take a hot bath, or rent a funny movie; but you have to know how to deal with jealousy without leaning on your partner all the time." As in all healthy individuals, the ability to cope with jealousy demands a personal wellspring of confidence that doesn't hinge on your partner's love.

4. Reassurance

Declarations of jealousy should always be met with respect and understanding—ignoring or belittling someone else's fears will only magnify them. And while soothing words might blunt jealousy's edges during face-to-face time, verbal promises can fall flat when during a period of separation. Couples who make frequent gestures to express their commitment—doing small favors, staying sexually active and creative, sticking to date nights, honoring boundaries—will be better equipped to date other people and still feel secure in their primary relationship.

5. The Up-Side to Jealousy

Matik views jealousy as a "guidepost emotion"—where an exploration of its causes can yield deeper self-awareness. "Someone who gets jealous when their partner leaves for a date might discover it's because of an abandonment issue they had as a child, which is a situation that happened long before they met their partner. As soon as someone knows why they feel jealous, they're less likely to feel afraid." Pinpointing the rational roots of a frequently irrational emotion can often squelch the worst elements of jealousy—paranoia, lack of perspective, alienation, and co-dependency. Set aside time for personal reflection, schedule an appointment with a therapist, or simply bring it up with your partner.

All relationships—but especially open relationships—might do well to expect jealousy as inevitable but surmountable, human but certainly not invincible. Matik, one of the most prominent members of the non-monogamous community, writes off the idea of a perfect, jealousy-free union. "Jealousy will probably happen at some point. It doesn't mean there's something wrong or flawed with the relationship. What matters is that we love each other more than we dislike the things that make us jealous."

Source : http://www.yourtango.com