Secrets of Couples

31 August 2009

Secrets of Couples Who Have Lots of Sex

Take your get-frisky frequency from every-so-often to off-the-charts with these way simple tricks...you won't believe life could be this lusty.

There are couples who have sex pretty often — say, a good three times a week. Then there are those twosomes who burn up the bedsheets so regularly, you have to wonder: How do they do it? They have full-time jobs, maybe a couple of kids and only 24 hours in the day, just like the rest of us. And yet somehow, their desire to get down and dirty manages to transcend these major time and energy (not to mention libido) drains. What's their secret?

Well, we talked with some of these extra-passionate pairs and found that the "tricks" that allow them to squeeze so much sex into their schedules are so insanely simple, we just had to pass the info on. Try their advice, and pretty soon you'll find that your day is full of opportunities to tear your clothes off. What's more, you'll get the passion humming between you and your guy 24/7 — and what couple wouldn't want that?

Secret #1: Assign a sex quota

When you're both juggling a billion things — work, kid's piano recital, calling the plumber — finding the time for a little lovin' can be the last thing on your mind. So to ensure it not only gets penciled in but takes top billing, steal Eliza's trick and give yourselves a weekly sex goal. "Seven years and two kids into our marriage, we became consumed by the chaos of daily responsibilities and let sex slide," says the 34-year-old. "We knew it was crucial to find time to be intimate, but a stock Friday-night-sex-date idea felt too contrived, so we created a variation: Every Monday we pick a random number and have to have sex that many times before the week ends. If three days go by with zero action, we know we've got to make up the time fast. For instance, the other day, while the kids were in the backyard with their grandmother, my husband called me into the garage to help him 'organize a shelf.' But when I got there, he grabbed me and pulled me into the backseat of the car. He said he had no choice since we needed to get busy to make the quota."

Secret #2: Crank up your doing-it drive

Carnal connoisseurs never sit around waiting for the mood to strike — they make the mood strike. Sasha, 36, got sick of holding out for her libido to spring into action: "I thought that desire was supposed to wash over me," she says. "But waiting for that to happen in the midst of dealing with the rest of our lives meant sex was becoming a very rare event." Now, whenever she and her husband have a window of opportunity, Sasha jump-starts her libido with some X-rated thoughts. "I reminisce about the last time my husband and I had great sex — his touch, his breath on my skin, his sweet murmurings in my ear," she says. "By focusing on my sexiest memories, I'll bring myself to a fired-up state that often leads us into bed."

Secret #3: Take turns giving and receiving

"My husband and I have different schedules, so we're not always boiling over with energy at the same times," says Heather, 39. "So we decided that when he's raring to go and I'm utterly beat, he can become the sexual ringmaster for the night. I'll lie back and let him turn me on: There are times when I literally don't raise a finger and just enjoy the ride. It's guilt-free because he knows he'll get the favor returned another night."

If, like Heather, you make a deal with your man that you'll trade off take-charge roles, you'll double the number of your sexcapades and keep your partnership brimming with erotic energy no matter how tired you are. "Think of all those times you bagged the idea because one of you was too pooped," points out Heather. "We're so much happier now because we're making an effort to keep the thrills coming."

Secret #4: Rejigger your carnal clock

If you keep sex relegated to the dud time slot between the 10 o'clock news and passing out on the pillow, it's gonna suffer. Ditch the restricting notion that sex is a bedtime ritual, and suddenly you'll discover lots of little daily openings to do it in. "Our best sex is the five-thirty fling, when my husband and I both get home from work," says Jenny, 34. "Stripping off each other's work clothes is so hot that we both spend the afternoon looking forward to it." Happy hour isn't the only prime time to pounce. Weekend afternoons or midmornings, first thing pre-work...the totally satisfied set never discriminates. "Seven in the morning is the only time we have to ourselves, so that's when we get it on," says Anne, 37. "I swear, we've gone from once-a-weekers to sexaholics."

Secret #5: Have a titillating soundtrack

Music has a way of altering people's moods in an instant, so it comes as no surprise that the right CD could steer you straight to the bedroom. Rachel, 33, knows exactly what to play to pump up the passion. "During our honeymoon, my husband and I had awesome sex to Prince," she says. "Now when we hear it, we both get that sly twinkle in our eyes. To make sure we do it often, one of us will play it as a clear sign that we're about to, um, make music together. It's kept our marriage just as passionate as it was when we first tied the knot."

Secret #6: Consider sex a cure-all

Excuses, excuses — it's so easy to find reasons to put off slipping into the sack. You're exhausted. You're stressed. You're annoyed and bickering over something silly. Stop right there and consider what sexy sirens know all too well: that doing the deed can actually alleviate exhaustion, stress and tension — the very things that are supposedly keeping you from getting down in the first place! Once Alix, 33, realized that having sex would energize her rather than drain her, she found plenty of opportunities to use a little lovin' for an energy boost. "I used to always succumb to exhaustion when I was home," she says. "But now, when I'm tired, instead of shrugging off my husband's seduction attempts, I'll tell myself, 'Just do it — you'll be glad you did afterward.'" And she always is. "It's taken our lovemaking frequency from so-so to nearly every day," she says. "It's so great to think of sex as a way to connect and feel calmer rather than just another thing on my to-do list."

Secret #7: Be passionate...all day

Doing-it dynamos don't reserve their libidinous fervor just for the bedroom. These people live sexually, adding spice to everyday activities. As a result, they develop a heightened sense of desire, which makes them crave sex 24/7. "I consciously add some zing to all different little areas in my life," says Amanda, 35. "I do things like wear silky undies, buy myself an ice cream cone and eat it really suggestively or take the most luxurious shower before work with all sorts of scrubs and creams. They keep that erotic energy in me at a constant hum. Plus, they're all subtle activities that don't require hiding from my daughters."

Of course, you want him to be buzzing with sexual electricity too. "I do things in the morning that get him lusting after me," says Diana, 34. "A stretch while I'm getting dressed, where I raise my arms, arch my back and stick my chest out in front of him, does wonders. Calling out to him from the shower to bring me a towel gives him dirty ideas too. I give him an eyeful that he reruns in his mind all day. Sex is inevitable that evening."

Secret #8: Don't saddle sex with tons of work

Passionately prolific couples have a philosophy: Frequent sex, no matter what kind, is an absolute must. So if sex sometimes has to be a quickie — a.k.a. a fast-and-furious romp without romantic trimmings — so what? It's still good sex. "You have to go with the moment," advises Elizabeth, 38. "If the kids are coming home from school in 20 minutes, don't try to light a bunch of candles and dig out your Al Green album. This is when you nab the window of opportunity and jump on each other. It's done wonders for our sex life."

source : http://www.redbookmag.com

10 Things You Don't Know About Attraction

11 June 2009

There are some surprising — and kinda crazy — factors that come into play when choosing a mate or even just a hookup. Like his belly button and the color of your clothing. Intrigued? Read on...

1. Your Nose Should Be Part of Foreplay
The blend of lavender and pumpkin turns guys on. But, you don’t have to bake a pie and douse yourself in lavender oil. You can create the combination by lighting two candles or spraying these scents on your neck. Oh, and tell your guy to spritz on a cologne with hints of cucumbers or black licorice, since those smells were found to arouse women.
Source: Smell and Taste Research Foundation in Chicago


2. Guys Find Women in This Color More Desirable
A chick in red is more likely to be asked on a date and have more money spent on her. It’s because men are influenced by cultural symbols - like Valentine’s Day - that associate the color with romance, and primal instincts that link the color with sex. Maybe that’s why the butts of some animals turn red when they are ready to mate.
Source: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology


3. Cocktail Goggles Are for Real
When we’re drunk, guys look cuter because we don’t notice the asymmetry of their face. The biological explanation: A symmetric guy is less likely to have genetic defects and makes a better mate.
Source: Journal of Psychopharmacology


4. Men Do This When They’re into Someone
A man will subconsciously position his belly button toward the woman in the room he is most attracted to — even if he’s speaking with someone else. (Suss out your competition by checking out which women are pointing their belly buttons at him, since the rule applies to chicks as well!)
Source: Janine Driver, body language expert


5. It’s All About Timing
One week you might be craving that beefy guy at the gym, but the next week you have the hots for the slender guy next door. This could be because ovulating women prefer men with masculine features, who would make the strongest, healthiest children. Meanwhile, menstruating women want men with softer, more feminine looks who seem kinder and more cooperative.
Source: Nature Journal

6. Stress Equals Sexual Attraction
A guy in a high-anxiety or stressful situation is more likely to take a chance on you. Researchers set out to see how adrenaline and risk played into attraction by putting a woman on both a shaky and stable bridge. The study found that men who crossed the unstable bridge were more likely to ask out the same woman afterward than those men who crossed a steady bridge. It’s because conditions of high stimulation heighten sexual attraction.
Source: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology


7. Size (of His Gut) Matters
You can tell a lot about a guy’s sex drive and fertility before he even drops trou. Men with broad shoulders and a solid chest have a lesser health risk, making them better mates. Meanwhile, guys with a gut have lower levels of testosterone. Low testosterone leads to a lower sex drive and lower fertility.
Source: Harry Fisch, MD, and Kara Baskin, authors of Size Matters


8. A Sign It Could Be Long-Term Love
If you and your guy’s mom look alike, there’s a good chance it’ll work out between you two. Guys are more likely to pair up with women whose bone structure is similar to their own mothers. It’s called “sexual imprinting,” and suggests that the faces we find appealing as adults are determined in childhood.
Source: Proceedings of the Royal Society B


9. The 5/15 Rule
If a dude touches you 5 times in 15 minutes, you are totally in. A man will find excuses to put his hands on you to see how you respond. He might touch your arm, tuck a piece of hair behind your ear, or play with your necklace. If you tighten up and freeze, he’ll know to back off.
Source: Bryn Drescher, Body Language Institute


10. This Move Means He’s Smitten
When a guy mirrors your moves, he’s subconsciously telling you he’s interested in you. Sitting the same way as you, doing the same hand motions, and leaning his head in the same direction are all subtle cues that he’s attracted. And if he licks his lips after you lick yours, it’s a definite sign of desire.
Source: A. Kelly-Anderson, PhD, American Psychological Association

source: Cosmopolitan

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Are You In Control?

20 April 2009

agree those are the best signs to letting you know you're in a controlling relationship. I can testify to some of those things because I went through quite a few things with my first and I grew very tired of dealing with this guy very fast. All I have to say is Ladies and Gentlemen if you are in this type of relationship, please get out of it fast because that person is not going to change. There is much better out there for you and if someone loves you they are not going to harass you to do things you're not comfortable with and they're going to treat you as if you were the best thing to ever happen to them and of course no one needs that extra stress on them, because we all know life itself throws enough curve balls to us all. You need someone who's going to comfort you not make you feel low.

In your relationship or marriage are you in control or are you being controlled?

We all have freedom of choice the last time I checked. We have the freedom to choose who we date, what job we have, what we do in daily life, who we marry, etc. But somehow we get in these awful relationships where our significant other controls a lot of what we do. Sometimes we don't realize it's happening at all or we just don't want to acknowledge it.

Not a lot of people are a big fan of being single, so you meet a really great guy or gal and things are going great until they become comfortable. The true colors always come out when one person becomes too comfortable with the other. Here are some signs that you are probably in a controlling relationship and need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!

1. They says they will dump you if you don't do this (fill in blank) so you do it.
2. You ask them if your allowed to go with your friends somewhere.
3. You ask if you brushed your teeth good enough for them.
4. You ask their permission to buy something for yourself.
5. You flat out just ask permission for everything because you don't want them to get mad at you.
6. They are allowed to say or do certain things but you are not allowed.
7. They make you feel like your not good enough.
8. They never let you make any choices.
9. They always turn things they have done wrong back on you, making it out to be your fault.
10. You are miserable!!!!

source: shine from yahoo

Spiritual Sex: 10 Erotic Commandments

22 March 2009

by Thomas Moore

People blame philosopher René Descartes for the modern idea that spirit and body are two separate and antagonistic entities. I don't. I think making this division is an age-old trap. It takes work to see clearly that you need your physical senses to be a spiritual person, and that you need a spiritual acceptance of life's goodness to be profoundly sensual and sexual.

When you finally get body and spirit together—Renaissance writers said you need to be a person of soul to do this—you will discover greater joy in lovemaking. It makes sense: If you are a whole person made up of body, soul, and spirit, when you make love with only your body, you're getting only one third of the sex [1]. Spirit and soul like sex, too, and they add immensely to the pleasure.

It disturbs me to meet so many people for whom sex and spirituality are completely unrelated—or exist as opposites. For those who were brought up in a world where religious [2]influence was nonexistent or plain ineffective, it may be a novel idea to consider that sex can be spiritual. Others, like me, grew up in a war between spirituality and sensuality. In my loving Catholic family, the word "sex" could stop conversations and make everyone freeze in embarrassment. I spent my teen years as a monk and seminarian. I didn't have sex until I was in my late twenties. How I Became A Divorced Virgin [3]

Yet, despite all of this neurotic baggage, I came to enjoy sex as much as I am captivated by spirituality.

In the monastery, I was taught to see spirituality as part of religion. But my later studies opened up a much larger notion.

I discovered from Renaissance authors that any attempt to transcend yourself can be spiritual. You might learn, think, write, converse— all representing the intellectual side of the spiritual. You might play sports and try hard to reach impossible goals. In a stadium full of adoring, out-of-their-skins spectators, you might make a "miracle" play. Sports can be highly spiritual, to the point where athletes sometimes behave like monks, with their austere lives and diets and schedules. Travel [4], too, can be a form of spirituality, a way of expanding your world. The most ordinary journey, even just to the other side of town, can be a pilgrimage.

Researching Greek polytheistic religion also had a strong impact on my views on sex. I discovered that people could imagine their god as being extremely erotic, sensual, and even sexy. Aphrodite was a real deity—worshiped, prayed to, revered. In graduate school I studied this goddess closely, noting the way she was presented in sacred art: taking a bath, slowly disrobing, wearing jewelry, holding a mirror to her face.

I also examined images of the gods erect and full of desire. I read that the greatest of all, Zeus, had a 300-year honeymoon [5]with his wife, Hera, and that his orgasm created the many wondrous things of the world—a striking image of the creative power of sex. India has similar images of divine creative eros. Finally, I read the famous Kama Sutra and was surprised to find that it is not all about sexual positions and preparations. It begins by instructing the reader to get two major aspects of life in order: First, find meaning in your existence.What are your personal laws and needs? What are you called to do? What is your dharma? Second, get your home and career on track. Give your life form. Have a philosophy that can guide you, and apply it to your everyday concerns. Only then will you be ready to learn how to make love. Career And Family: Can We Really Have Both? [6]

I came away from my studies in religion with the knowledge that it is possible to be intensely spiritual and intensely sexual at the same time. There is no contradiction. More than that, I came to believe that if a person's sexuality is not fully accepted, his spirituality will suffer. And vice versa: If his spirituality is not strong, his sexuality will be weak.

From all these sources I developed what I will call the ten erotic commandments. Notice that they are not about physical love as an isolated phenomenon. I think of a human being as always, in every instance, made up of body, soul, and spirit. There is no such thing as purely physical love, because we are more than physical. So, be prepared for a broader notion of what sex is all about.

There are practical steps to go with these "commandments." Realize the importance, men and women, of taking care of your bodies: being clean, smelling nice, dressing well. Pay attention, as well, to what you say, talking with some intelligence and thoughtfulness. Choose the setting and props carefully: good oils, fragrances, linens. Spiritual rituals are always carried out with attention to detail and with beauty. Have an image nearby that captures the union of sex and spirit: a photograph of one of the couples on the Indian temples of Khajuraho or Konorak, for instance, or a picture of blue Krishna with his gopis and his girlfriend Radha.

I have a special love of early Renaissance paintings of the Annunciation, the moment when an angel appears to tell Mary that she is with child by the Holy Spirit. There are hundreds of these paintings, and I always look to see how they depict the spiritual semen, often as a gold stream shooting down from a bird to the uterus of the Virgin. In sex, we make contact with the divine through our partner. The more vision and care that goes into our sexuality, the more it serves as a conduit to the spirit.

Sensuality and spirituality work hand in hand for the benefit of each. You can be so focused on the physical that you have no vision, no ideas, and no values. Everything becomes about the self. But if you have a spiritual life, you are on your way out of narcissism. Nothing is more harmful to good sex than narcissism, which is a neurotic worry about your own value. The only way to deal with narcissism is to love yourself in a calm, unexaggerated way. Spiritual reflection can bring you to that point, and, in fact, spiritual literature is full of advice on how to get the self or ego out of the way. The very attitude that brings you to the pinnacle of spirit is great for your sexuality.

The reverse is also true. If you are a highly sexual and sensual person, your spirituality will be grounded. The greatest danger in the spiritual life is to lose contact with reality. You begin to believe in the most far-fetched things. You think of yourself as better than anyone else, as possessing the one and only truth. Ultimately, you may become too hard on yourself in an effort to be as acceptable and as pure as possible. These are extremes that a good sensual life can tame. (Some people become so negative about the body that they fall victim to anorexia and bulimia, and fascinating studies have been made on the connection between spiritual fasting and eating disorders. I have worked in therapy with people like this and have noticed that their dreams are sometimes full of sensual orgies, telling them, I imagine, where they need to go.) Inner Beauty: What Men Don't Tell You [7]

Spirituality without sensuality tends to be aggressive, even turning mean and punitive. I often contemplate the wonderful painting by Botticelli of Mars and Venus. Most commentators see it as the goddess of love taming the god of war. That painting contains a dynamic that plays out in the hearts and souls of us all. No doubt that there is a close connection between sexual repression and extreme aggression. But even in our more ordinary lives,we might be less depressed and mean-spirited if our spirituality were softened by comfortable and visionary sex.

The more sexual you become, engaging your entire being, the more your sexuality will be a route to the spirit. And when you pursue your spiritual goals in meditation, prayer, and ritual, you should eventually discover the body anew. You will find, as the Sufi teachers often say, that your ultimate lover is God. This is a great mystery, and I don’t mean to be at all disrespectful. But I do think that, in the end, spirituality allows all your experiences—and your entire world—to reveal the intimacy with which the divine presses itself upon you.

THE TEN EROTIC COMMANDMENTS

ETHICS.

The first step in the spiritual life is to move beyond narcissism and self-absorption. This is not a glamorous suggestion, but it is essential: Treat your partner honestly, respectfully, and kindly. It's as simple as that. Spirituality begins in achieving a basic but difficult aspect of maturity—not being selfish. This doesn't mean that you don't take care of yourself and have full satisfaction in your sexual life, but, as the spiritual traditions consistently teach, you can't be happy if those around you are not happy.

PARTNERSHIP.

Sex is a union of persons, not only bodies. You can prepare for sex by being an interesting person, bringing with you your intelligence, culture, ideas, values, and talents. It's one thing to make love with a pretty body and another to be intimate with a real person. You can take time to talk to your partner, maybe at dinner before lovemaking. Don't be afraid to talk about the things that matter. Letting a closely guarded thought emerge can lead to a physical sense of release. If you can’t do this with your dinner partner, then your sex may not be anything special. Which Love Language Do You Speak? [8]

VISION.

A spiritual person has a broad vision. He or she is interested in life, meaning, and the world. Vision is an aspect of transcendence and a reach beyond self. Sex usually begins and ends in conversation [9]. Visionary talk, in contrast to mundane and self-centered chatter, can be vital and erotic.

CONTEMPLATION.

Spirituality benefits from some kind of contemplation or meditation, a stepping outside the ordinary reality. Lovemaking can have a contemplative quality—taking time, allowing yourself to be dreamy, giving in not only to passion but also to the timeless atmosphere of sex. Ecstasy, a word often applied to sexual experience, means "to stand outside," and it doesn’t have to have the swoon factor that people sometimes associate with it. Ecstasy can be a steady, calm progress to a state that is tranquil and otherworldly.

RITUAL.

Sex is as much a ritual as anything done in church or temple. A ritual is an action that speaks primarily to the heart and soul. It doesn't have much practical meaning. Some people like to justify sex by seeing it as a way to make babies or to express love. Obviously it can do these things, but it can also be a ritual that evokes the spirituality of the relationship, long or short, casual or serious. Therefore, the spiritual quality of sex may increase if you pay attention to its ritual aspect: timing, clothing, music, candles, setting, language.

GENEROSITY.

Sex can be virtuous without being repressive or too clean. The great virtue in sex is generosity, the capacity to offer an abundance of feeling, intelligence, and equality to your partner. This doesn't mean surrendering completely or giving away too much, but rather a thoughtful and moderate offering of self. Again, this is a traditional spiritual virtue applied to the special realm of sex.

BEAUTY.

Sex has a lot to do with appreciating the beauty of the human body and the person. You don't have to be a stunner or even pretty or handsome. Fortunately, sexual passion allows us to see the beauty of the body in small elements and gestures. Loving the person also helps, because the beauty of the personality usually gets transferred to the body.

PRAYER.

Prayer takes many forms. Even the monks have said that to work is to pray. You don't have to say formal prayers before sex, but you can bring to it such an appreciation for its power to express love and to make unions that it becomes a prayer.

DEVOTION.

The ancient Greeks and Romans had a keen awareness of the spirituality in sex, which they personified in the goddesses Aphrodite and Venus. An old story is told of pilgrims going by boat to an island where they could venerate a statue of the naked and seductive Aphrodite. For sex to be deeply exciting and engaging, somehow you have to evoke this goddess, the spirit of sex, who makes things happen. As a muse is to an artist— a real and important source of inspiration—so this spirit is to a couple making love.

COMMUNITY.

Spirituality involves reaching beyond the self. Sex is quite private, but a good sex life can help make a good community. One of the results of good sex is joy, pure and simple, an antidote to the often depressive, cynical tone of modern life, with its tendency to dehumanize and make excessive demands. When people have a joyful, positive outlook, they are capable of community.

Thomas Moore is the author of Care of the Soul, Soulmates, and other bestselling books.

Rekindle that "Just-Met-Sex" with your Partner

15 September 2008

Long term love has all its advantages – a strong intimacy with each other, a shared history with the one you love, a warm and satisfying sexual connection. But still, sometimes you miss that erotic charge when your love was still brand new. Here are tips on how to recapture again that spark when you and your partner just started having sex.

1. Create a little distance. Best friends, partners, soul mates – that’s what many couples strive to be. But while that kind of relationship provides warmth and security, it’s not always sexy. The very things that love thrives on like familiarity, stability and security are the very things that can also kill the passion and lust in a relationship. For desire to thrive on, you need to maintain some of the elusiveness and independence you had when you were first together. If you’re too available to your partner, too open with each other, you lose that edge. That’s why for the sake of your sex life, it’s a good idea to make some space. A little bit of distance and separation, both physical and emotional, can actually fuel sexual excitement because it sets up a “thrill of a chase” kind of dynamic, similar to what you had when you were first dating.

2. Rediscover each other. What makes just – met sex so exciting is the sense of the unknown and the anticipation of what might happen. You’re still discovering each other’s bodies, finding new ways to turn each other on and testing new waters. A classic way to reboot your sexual relationship is to go away together, for a week, few days, or even just a night. Call it a sex vacation. It’s an opportunity to go back to the beginning when you didn’t have babies, shared bills, or a mortgage, and your relationship was just about the two of you having fun.

3. Shock your system – The perma-smile plastered on your face, that tingling below the belt, the goose bumps you got when he touched you. Thank you hormones. The novelty and excitement of a new sexual partner triggers the production of dopamine and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that are responsible for that love high.

4. Tune in to your sexy side. When you’re dating, your appearance and sexual confidence are often a priority But once you’re married and have other things going on in your life, you don’t always put as much focus to your sexuality. Think back when you felt sexiest in your life. When you let your inner sexiness shine, he can’t help but respond to that energy.

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