Eight Steps to Finding True Love

09 October 2009

Dating Guide for 2009: Eight Steps to Finding True Love

By Dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.Special to Yahoo! Personals

Updated: May 22, 2009

2008 is winding down and New Year's Eve is coming fast. You'll blow the horns, make a few toasts. It'll be another New Year's party with no one you really want to kiss at midnight. Another lonely year staring you in the face.

But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, 2009 can be the year you find the love of your life.

You can create the stuff of your dreams by making a simple shift that changes the way you date this year. You can make a resolution right now, right here as you read this dating guide, to find new love that is better than any relationship you have had before.

For singles, the chances of finding a mate could be better than ever! The average marriage now lasts under seven years, and this means new singles are coming on the scene all the time. In fact, around 16 million people are now using online dating in the U.S. You have a lot of singles to choose from.

So go on, make the affirmation. Something like, "I will find a mate who is just right for me." Here is an eight-step action plan that can make your resolution a reality in 2009:

1. Prioritize Finding Love. Imagine if you didn't have a job. Looking for one would be your top priority. You would spend hours searching sites like Yahoo! Hotjobs, calling recruiters, and jumping on any leads.

In contrast, finding love ranks pretty low on your to-do list. You come home from work, run errands, call your friends, watch your favorite show, and maybe spend 15 minutes browsing your online dating site. Most singles are better at planning their weekend than planning their dating life.

Yet study after study has shown that relationships are treasured above all else when we reflect on what has meant the most in our lives. So make finding a mate a top priority.

2. Have a 'New You' Party. Invite friends over for a New You party where they give you a makeover. Let them go through your clothes, getting rid of unflattering stuff and putting together some hot new looks for you. Find a look that makes you feel great.

Tell your friends you are looking to meet someone special. Email the same message to any other buddies who did not make the party.

3. Work Your Online Dating Site. Throw out your old photo and profile. Have a friend who is a good photographer take 100 headshots of you in order to get one that looks especially warm, attractive, and inviting. Get some opposite-sex friends to help you pick out the best photo and work on your dating profile.

After you post them, spend at least three hours a week looking around the site, sending and responding to messages, and connecting by phone and in person with people. Block out time in your daily calendar to work the site.

4. Go Where the Odds Are Better. Sign up for two ongoing classes or activities that interest you and have lots of singles in them. Finance courses, rock climbing, golfing, snowboarding/skiing, and hiking are great formeeting single men. Single women are plentiful at cooking classes, yoga, and spirituality workshops.

Coed city sports teams are great and usually have an even mix of genders. Look into volunteering for a local or national political group. There are many other activities to consider, so search online, or go to www.meetup.com and peruse their groups.

5. Meet New People. Say hello to three new men or women every day. Assuming you are in a safe or public place, make eye contact, smile, say hi or ask for some help. This is what I call the Marcia Cross Technique. Actress Marcia Cross was in her forties when she met her husband by chatting with him in a flower shop. She now is the ecstatic mother of twin baby girls.

You can start with saying hello to the less threatening types and work your way up to the ones who are "out of your league." You will be surprised how receptive the cuties can be!

6. Date Against Type.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves. The guy who wants a petite blonde winds up with a brainy brunette. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. Look at photos and profiles that you would ordinarily take a quick pass on. Try and experiment. You may be very happily surprised!

7. Go for a Second Date. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his/her different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Love almost always comes in a surprise package.

8. Open the Door. If you do meet someone and have a really good time, send a quick text or email the next morning to let the person know that the door is open to getting together again. This is especially important for women to do. Write something specific about the date that points to the connection between the two of you or refers to something you both loved.

Now you have your love resolution and plan. Most importantly, commit to the first step and make finding a mate your top priority. Then follow the recommended program to create the love you want in the coming year. Chances are, by next New Year's Eve you'll be kissing the one you want.

source: Yahoo Personals

Dating Tips: 8 Habits That Wreck Your Relationship

30 September 2009

Find out how to rebuild your bond after a wrecking ball hits your relationship -- and learn how to sidestep couple-killers in the future.

By dating editor Brenda Della Casa for Glamour

Photo: Getty Images Updated: Sep 30, 2009

#1. Having an affair with his "potential"

Wanting your man to be the best version of himself is admirable, but approaching his looks and personality with "Extreme Makeover" ambition will do little more than erode his self-esteem and leave you both frustrated and resentful. "If you and your partner believe that love means acceptance, pushing him to change and criticizing him is going to send him the opposite message. What he hears is 'you aren't good enough,'" says Nina Atwood, M.Ed., L.P.C., author of "Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid."

How to rebuild: This is where the old 80-20 rule can be used to the benefit of both of you. Spend at least 80 percent of your time together letting your partner know all the things you adore and appreciate about him, so that when you mention something you don't like, it doesn't feel like another item on a long list of failures.

More Glamour:

• Five Secrets All Guys Keep From You
• Seven Things a Guy's Bedroom Says About Him

#2. Major mood swings

We're living in some pretty anxiety-inducing times, and when life takes a stressful turn, it's not uncommon for couples to start taking out that stress on each other. While the occasional mood swing can -- and should -- be forgiven, being in a relationship with someone whose bad moods outnumber her good ones can make a man run for cover. Wouldn't you do the same?

How to rebuild: The next time you catch yourself taking a downturn, take a moment to consider what kind of impact your moods are having on your man and the relationship. "If a woman is too moody, we start to walk on eggshells because we just don't want to deal with the drama," says Matt, 31, of San Diego.

#3. Gossip

Talking to pals about your love life is a normal part of friendship, but if you're calling your BFF, your sister, and your mom every time your man pisses you off, you're not only going to wind up embarrassed when the storm passes, you'll also find yourself in a relationship with someone who feels violated and judged. "As a couple, private information should stay private or you risk damaging your reputation as a couple, which in turn may isolate you from others and sever your relationship," says Dan Schawbel, personal branding expert and author of "Me: 2.0." Remember that word of mouth is a powerful force, and it can hurt your reputation if your mate or others brand you as untrustworthy."

How to rebuild: The next time you log on to his computer and find an improper download, resist the urge to get on the phone and vent to your top five. Instead, sit down and talk things out with the one person who can help you work through it. If you're not sure how to approach him about a certain topic, sit down and write him a letter. (Helpful hint: Sit on it for 24 hours to make sure it says what you really want to say and isn't just filled with angry words and blame.)

#4. Melodrama

If you're calling him in tears every time your coworker irritates you, deleting him from Facebook during every argument, and threatening to end the relationship over him leaving the toilet seat up (again!), he might start looking for a new leading lady. "Men have a tendency to really like low-maintenance girls when it comes to relationships," says Kristian, 35, of New York City. "We're pretty lazy in general, and it's exhausting when you need to work so hard to make someone happy and calm them down every day."

How to rebuild: Save the details of your office drama for brunch with the girls, and the next time you feel your inner Heidi Montag moving center stage, take a deep breath and rate the situation on a scale from 1 to 10. If it scores below a 5, let it go and save award-worthy performances for anything above a 9 (cheating, insulting your boss at your holiday party, etc.).

#5. "Mom-ing" him

Your man loves his mama and he loves you, but when you're the one telling him to stop playing Guitar Hero, scoffing at his lack of manners, or informing him he can't go out with his pals because he has a "big day tomorrow," it's anything but appealing. He'll not only resent that you're trying to control him, but he'll also likely do what all children do when they're being reprimanded -- rebel. "Scolding your mate creates an unhealthy dynamic of parent-child relationship, which automatically puts your partner into a child role and you into the role of mom," says Jeannine Estes, M.A, a marriage and family therapist and author of "Relationships in the Raw." "Children often do the opposite when they feel as if they don't have a choice, and this is similar for couples."

How to rebuild: "Instead of scolding or telling him what to do or not do, try to ask for your needs in a clear and respectful way and avoid using the 'mother' tone," says Estes. "Share with your partner the importance of your needs rather than demanding or scoffing at what he has or hasn't done right. Also, scolding him like you are his mother can put you in a parent role, carrying the relationship without any assistance or partnership."

#6. Too much together time

Spending time with your guy is one of the best parts of being in a relationship, but there's a big difference between bonding and being joined at the hip. "Many men are attracted to secure, independent women," says Stacey Rosenfeld, Ph.D, a New York City psychologist. "Once in relationships, women may tend to become more dependent, to demand more time and attention of their partners. This can represent a problem, as often men need more space than women."

How to rebuild: Remind your guy of the independent and fabulous woman he was initially attracted to by indulging in your favorite pastimes and enjoying your friends without him every once in a while. By flashing your independence, you'll not only give him a chance to miss you but also have interesting things to share with him when you meet up.

#7. Jealousy

He lets you know how much he loves you constantly, but that doesn't stop you from checking his phone when he's in the shower or sending every pretty girl he talks to eye-daggers. Although a tiny bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal, accusing your man of cheating and questioning his whereabouts every time he walks in will have him feeling controlled, manipulated, and insulted. "Jealousy in a relationship, or even personally, is the spiritual equivalent of dumping hydrochloric acid on the person," says 33-year-old Marc from Los Angeles. "Just sit back and prepare for the disintegration."

How to rebuild: Unless your man has said or done things to make you suspicious, your jealousy is more about your relationship with yourself than you two as a couple. Back away from his computer and check out your own history. Were you betrayed in the past? Did you grow up in a household where the fidelity vows were broken? There might be ways in which you are allowing unresolved issues from your past to dictate your present behavior. If you don't feel you can overcome the green monster on your own, don't be afraid to reach out to a qualified counselor who can help you identify the sources of your insecurity and work through them.

#8. Getting too comfortable

In the beginning of a relationship, both parties make sure to look and act their best, but as time moves on, the sweatpants come out and routine takes over. "People tend to get lazy in their relationships, and while it's good to be comfortable, no one wants to be boring or to be bored," says Lissa Coffey, author of "What's Your Dosha, Baby? Discover the Vedic Way for Compatibility in Life and Love."

How to rebuild: Men love to be seduced and romanced as much as we do, and part of what makes the courtship phase of relationships so fun is the experience of uncovering the mystery of another and trying new things together. "When a woman stops making an effort to look nice for her man and expects him to take care of all the stuff in the romance department, a man begins to feel taken for granted and thinks that she doesn't care about impressing him anymore," says Brian, 30, of New York City. Show your guy he's still worth the effort by surprising him with a break from the ratty T-shirt you wear to bed, a sweet note, or planning a special night out for him "just because." He'll not only appreciate it, he'll also reciprocate -- and that's a give and take

to get excited about

source: Yahoo Personals

Signs that he is in love with you

20 September 2009

If the man you are seeing acts in any of the ways mentioned here, it's time to start savoring the thrill of your romance moving to the next level.

• He starts thinking about the future and you are in it. He does not only wants to see you on weekends but his plans for summer or Christmas holidays also have you in it.

• Other priorities take a back seat. He used to religiously join his basketball team for practices but lately, he doesn't mind missing a practice if it means seeing you for a whimsically planned dinner date.

• He doesn't mind compromising. There was a time when it was his way or the highway, but with you it's different. Not that you ask him to, but he doesn't mind occasionally missing a night out with his buddies.

• He loves spending time with you. This one is pretty obvious but important nonetheless. He looks forward to seeing you, and doesn't care much about what the two of you will be doing.

• You have great chemistry. We can't be in love with someone without chemistry.

• He finds your quirks charming. You do and say things that mke you different, and he likes it. He can't quite put his finger on why, but it doesn't even matter. He likes you just the way you are.

• He really cares about you. he wants to know all about you. Who you are, what you think, what makes you laugh.

Tell-tale Signs that It’s Love, Love, Love

07 September 2009

You’ve got butterflies, good conversation, maybe even great sex, but sometimes it can be difficult to be sure if it’s love. How do you decipher whether the feeling in the pit of your stomach is the nervous quivering of anticipation or yesterday's lunch? Luckily, Lovingyou.com knows that “fools in love” are easy to spot. Here are some tell-tale signs that it just be might be love, love, love.

You are best friends. You laugh with them more than anyone else. The feelings of anticipation, passion, and connection are mutual. You remember little things about each other like their favorite foods, the places they want to visit and why, their views on everything from politics to fashion, and what they love about their closest buddies, but is it enough? Take a look at these signs to be sure.

What he’ll do:

• Put you on his “A” list (pay attention -- You'll know if you're not on it)
  
• Introduce you to his family
  
• Make plans for the future (near and far)
  
• Do things outside of his “box” with you
  
• Share his secrets and his dreams for the future with you
  
• Worry about impressing your friends
  
• Come right over when you ask him to
  
• Try to do things that comfort you or relieve some of your stress (like surprise you with dinner on a night you are working, rub your feet, or ask about your day)
  
• Appreciate and reciprocate your feelings and your actions like giving you a massage after he gets one from you, doing the dishes after dinner, or sending you a gift

What she’ll do:

• Share her embarrassing moments and fantasies with you
  
• Little things all throughout the day that let you know she’s thinking about you
  
• Fantasize about her life with you, getting married, having kids, growing old, traveling the world, etc.
  
• Tease you
  
• Hang out with your mother or talk to her on the phone
  
• Appreciate and reciprocate your feelings and your actions, like offering to pay for dinner, getting tickets to a game or event she knows you’ll love, or cooking for you
  
• Ask questions about your life -- past, present, and future
  
• Flirt with you

How you’ll feel:

• Excited, yet relaxed
  
• Vulnerable, yet strong
  
• Comfortable enough to be yourself in front of them
  
• Like you want to include them in everything (but you won't desert your usual crowd to be in a relationship with them)
  
• You’ll miss them when they’re not around
  
• You can’t wait to see them, talk to them, play with them, and kiss them
  
• You’ll find yourself wanting to make plans to have them all to yourself
  
• You’ll have urges to do romantic things (maybe on the verge of stalker-like things) that you never thought you’d never do

Signs that it’s not love:

• They blow you off or cancel dates
  
• Talking about commitment makes either of you uneasy or nervous
  
• Either of you are seeing other people
  
• Things are moving too quickly for one of you
  
• You find your partner lacking when compared to other people
  
• You watch a love scene in a movie or hear a love song and you feel a strong longing or desire for what you don’t have

Tips before you commit:

• Take the time to compare who you have with who you know deep down that you desire and deserve. Likewise, compare the relationship you have with the one you know you really want.
  
• Pay attention to how they treat their friends, family, business associates, and strangers. This is a good indication of how they will treat you over time and a big insight into their overall character.
  
• Ask yourself how well you know them and how well they know you.

source: lovingyou.com

Dating is....

05 September 2009

Dating is the most difficult and bittersweet courtship... it can be fun, it can be painful, but it is life experience in the purest form because love is the one thing that someone may long for their entire life but have no control over. Love can be a huge mountain, a gentle garden, a raging storm, a cool breeze, or a perfect bath. But there is always fire somewhere nearby. there is always the red-hot stuff of the soul's initiation. If there isn't fire, then it isn't love. It might have all the signs of what the world calls a "successful relationship" . But if it doesn't insist that you move to your next level, if it doesn't take your heart and make it explode in a million pieces, only to fall back together again in some moment of enlightened understanding, then you haven't really loved.

For those of us who still believe in faithful, mutual love..will it ever happen for us? Will someone walk into our lives one day and change everything? Where do the few quality people left out there meet these days? Unfortunately it seems so few and far between that I resort to this. Are you out there, awake, bored, imagining feeling the comfort of your arms around someone you care about?? I'm not always such a sap, but if you can't express your thoughts and feelings in the beginning, when will you really be able to?