Money vs Love: Three Rules For Making It Through Tough Times

13 November 2009

by Jennifer Good

The money factor is one of the most common sources of contention in a relationship. How you deal with hard times can either make or break you as a couple. While we as a nation may be in a time of economic hardship, your relationship doesn't need to suffer because of it. With a little creativity and these three rules, you can use this as an opportunity to strengthen the friendship and intimacy that binds you together as a couple.

Rule #1: Your Relationship Always Comes First

When dealing with any type of stressful situation, it's important to remember that you are a couple. What one person says or does affects the other. If you're stressed out, make sure you're talking about it with your partner. Don't bottle it up and expect things to "just get better." Your partner knows when something's up, so get rid of the guesswork and talk it through together. Two heads are always better than one when it comes to creative thinking.

Rule #2: Keep Having Fun

It's easy to let things in the fun department slide when life starts to get stressful. However, this is a crucial mistake. It's these types of situations where laughter and emotional escapes from your daily life are needed most. A little ingenuity may be just what you needed to "look on the bright side" and find a solution or different perspective for your current situation. Here are ten ideas to get you started.

• Water Gun Fight
  
• Game Night
  
• Spend the Night Coloring
  
• Test Drive Cars
  
• Rearrange Furniture In Your House
  
• Start A Garden
  
• Photograph Each Other
  
• Collage a "Dream Board"
  
• Picnic and People Watch
  
• Design Your Ideal Home

Rule #3: Have A Common Goal

To keep a group of people focused in the same direction, they have to have a common goal they are working towards. The same is true for a couple in a relationship. If you are both aimlessly living your everyday life without direction, it's quite likely you'll end up either in different places or somewhere you didn't want to be. Have a talk together and talk about your one year, five year, and ten year goals and ideals. You need to have something you are both working towards together, even if it's something as simple as planning a summer vacation or getting a new car.

What's worked for you as a couple during tough times?

Share your thoughts and ideas in our comments area below!

source: lovingyou.com

Eight Steps to Finding True Love

09 October 2009

Dating Guide for 2009: Eight Steps to Finding True Love

By Dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.Special to Yahoo! Personals

Updated: May 22, 2009

2008 is winding down and New Year's Eve is coming fast. You'll blow the horns, make a few toasts. It'll be another New Year's party with no one you really want to kiss at midnight. Another lonely year staring you in the face.

But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, 2009 can be the year you find the love of your life.

You can create the stuff of your dreams by making a simple shift that changes the way you date this year. You can make a resolution right now, right here as you read this dating guide, to find new love that is better than any relationship you have had before.

For singles, the chances of finding a mate could be better than ever! The average marriage now lasts under seven years, and this means new singles are coming on the scene all the time. In fact, around 16 million people are now using online dating in the U.S. You have a lot of singles to choose from.

So go on, make the affirmation. Something like, "I will find a mate who is just right for me." Here is an eight-step action plan that can make your resolution a reality in 2009:

1. Prioritize Finding Love. Imagine if you didn't have a job. Looking for one would be your top priority. You would spend hours searching sites like Yahoo! Hotjobs, calling recruiters, and jumping on any leads.

In contrast, finding love ranks pretty low on your to-do list. You come home from work, run errands, call your friends, watch your favorite show, and maybe spend 15 minutes browsing your online dating site. Most singles are better at planning their weekend than planning their dating life.

Yet study after study has shown that relationships are treasured above all else when we reflect on what has meant the most in our lives. So make finding a mate a top priority.

2. Have a 'New You' Party. Invite friends over for a New You party where they give you a makeover. Let them go through your clothes, getting rid of unflattering stuff and putting together some hot new looks for you. Find a look that makes you feel great.

Tell your friends you are looking to meet someone special. Email the same message to any other buddies who did not make the party.

3. Work Your Online Dating Site. Throw out your old photo and profile. Have a friend who is a good photographer take 100 headshots of you in order to get one that looks especially warm, attractive, and inviting. Get some opposite-sex friends to help you pick out the best photo and work on your dating profile.

After you post them, spend at least three hours a week looking around the site, sending and responding to messages, and connecting by phone and in person with people. Block out time in your daily calendar to work the site.

4. Go Where the Odds Are Better. Sign up for two ongoing classes or activities that interest you and have lots of singles in them. Finance courses, rock climbing, golfing, snowboarding/skiing, and hiking are great formeeting single men. Single women are plentiful at cooking classes, yoga, and spirituality workshops.

Coed city sports teams are great and usually have an even mix of genders. Look into volunteering for a local or national political group. There are many other activities to consider, so search online, or go to www.meetup.com and peruse their groups.

5. Meet New People. Say hello to three new men or women every day. Assuming you are in a safe or public place, make eye contact, smile, say hi or ask for some help. This is what I call the Marcia Cross Technique. Actress Marcia Cross was in her forties when she met her husband by chatting with him in a flower shop. She now is the ecstatic mother of twin baby girls.

You can start with saying hello to the less threatening types and work your way up to the ones who are "out of your league." You will be surprised how receptive the cuties can be!

6. Date Against Type.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves. The guy who wants a petite blonde winds up with a brainy brunette. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. Look at photos and profiles that you would ordinarily take a quick pass on. Try and experiment. You may be very happily surprised!

7. Go for a Second Date. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his/her different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Love almost always comes in a surprise package.

8. Open the Door. If you do meet someone and have a really good time, send a quick text or email the next morning to let the person know that the door is open to getting together again. This is especially important for women to do. Write something specific about the date that points to the connection between the two of you or refers to something you both loved.

Now you have your love resolution and plan. Most importantly, commit to the first step and make finding a mate your top priority. Then follow the recommended program to create the love you want in the coming year. Chances are, by next New Year's Eve you'll be kissing the one you want.

source: Yahoo Personals

9 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

08 October 2009

Apply these simple tips and watch your relationship flourish in good times and bad.

By relationship expert Stacy D. Phillips for HitchedPhoto: Getty Images

Updated: Aug 27, 2009

As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks in the first place.

1. Delineate "yours," "mine," and "ours." If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from "together" activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you're busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together -- at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you'll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently. Don't judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a "just because" way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner's pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she's had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the "terms" of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it's a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other -- whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a "contract" to ruin your relationship.

source: Yahoo Personals

Four Signs He's Over You

07 October 2009

Four Signs He's Over You

Has your guy been behaving strangely lately? Be warned: This could be his exit strategy.

By Dating blogger Gregory Gilderman for CosmopolitanPhoto: Tamara Schlesinger

Updated: May 22, 2009

Sure, guys are supposed to be the tougher sex, but when it comes to breaking up with a chick, we turn into serious wusses. Of course, we know the right thing would be to sit you down and say, "Listen, it's over." But no -- instead,

we use passive-aggressive tactics in the hopes that you'll hate us so much, you'll pull the plug first.

we use passive-aggressive tactics in the hopes that you'll hate us so much, you'll pull the plug first. Some clues your guy could be taking the coward's way out...

More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:

• The Questions He Asks Himself Before He Commits
• What His Cuddling Tells You

#1. He Doesn't Do What He Says He Will

Yes, it's true: You usually have to ask guys about 10 times before they'll actually help you put in those bathroom shelves -- that's typical. But when he promises to go with you to a friend's party and then bails or doesn't call when he says he will, that's a problem. "When I started losing interest in my ex, I intentionally became really flaky," says Bruce, 24. "I just didn't feel like going out of my way for her anymore."

#2. He Keeps Asking You, "Are We Okay?"

Let's be honest here: Single men hate to talk about relationships. So if he starts suggesting weekly powwows, take notice. "I didn't want to just flat out break her heart, so instead, I tried to hint that I wasn't the right guy for her," says Jack, 32. "I'd ask, 'So, what do you want for the future?' Since I knew she wanted a guy who could take care of her financially, I'd say something like 'I don't want to be a VP someday. Money is overrated.' After enough of these talks, she realized I wouldn't be the rich husband she wanted."

#3. He Makes You into the Bad Guy

Your guy starts constantly choosing his buddies over you... and yet, he says you're the selfish one. It's called deflecting. "I'd been wanting to break up with my girl, but I couldn't bring myself to do it," explains Tyler, 28. "So instead, I made it seem like she was a rotten girlfriend by telling her she wasn't giving me enough of her time or accusing her of cheating." See how it works? Eventually, you'll be dying to free yourself from his incessant harping (or so he hopes).

#4. He Makes Comments About Attractive Women

Look, no guy is stupid enough to go on about how sensual some random chick is in front of his girlfriend... unless, of course, he's trying to be inconsiderate. "Once I knew it was over, I just stopped censoring myself," says David, 27. "If I were watching a music video on TV, I would say that I'd never seen a body so perfect. I knew it upset her, but I just didn't care at that point."

source: Yahoo Personal

How to Make a Man Understands

11 September 2009

This is man's manual. And for women, read it closely.

I just can't understand why man could be so stupid and clueless when it comes to dating life. In my case, the last one I still remember, it was apparently happened to my ex-boyfriend.

As I've told you before, he was the one who called for the break-up without trying to meet me in person at the first place. But yet, guess what, he blamed me because I once had refused to meet him first. The rest is off the record.

What I'm trying to point out here is, that he didn't put many efforts so hard in order to meet me. I know he could've tried harder... but hedidn't. All he did was only waiting for my positive response to affirm his meeting invitation. Gah.

I mean, oh my, he could just dropped in to my house, brought some roses or chocolates or perhaps one of Hallmark's apology greeting cards, and said hello. No matter how mad I was to you that time, my heart will definitely melt if you do so. If only.

Maybe for you, MEN, it's me who was so fool and ridiculous for not telling him the truth. But for me, YOU should've known what your girl wants!

Ok, I admit I was wrong. I was expecting TOO MUCH.

After reading guy guide section: danny's dating life on FEMALE magazine and having conversations with some boyfriends, I finally get a clue.

Men often forget about dates (birthday, anniversary, etc), but they are very welcome with friendly reminders from their women. They aren't proud of it, but they admit it is one of their characteristics.

Men don't like to be lectured or blamed of something they don't know. If something wrong happens, talk to them IMMEDIATELY. Don't just keep in silent and expect them to understand and realize it themselves cos they won't. Trust me.

Men can't fully focus if they are busy at one thing. So if you want to make a promise, ask him whether he is busy or not. Otherwise, you may get hurt if he forgets what he has promised before.

And finally, never use body language to express what you want, use verbal one. Most of men are difficult to understand body language. That's why raving is better than keeping silent.

After all, the conclusion is simply communication. Always try to be opened to your couple and don't forget to learn from mistakes. Remember, great lover are not born but made.

Any objection, gentlemen??

(Picture is taken from lizabethphotography.com)

Tell-tale Signs that It’s Love, Love, Love

07 September 2009

You’ve got butterflies, good conversation, maybe even great sex, but sometimes it can be difficult to be sure if it’s love. How do you decipher whether the feeling in the pit of your stomach is the nervous quivering of anticipation or yesterday's lunch? Luckily, Lovingyou.com knows that “fools in love” are easy to spot. Here are some tell-tale signs that it just be might be love, love, love.

You are best friends. You laugh with them more than anyone else. The feelings of anticipation, passion, and connection are mutual. You remember little things about each other like their favorite foods, the places they want to visit and why, their views on everything from politics to fashion, and what they love about their closest buddies, but is it enough? Take a look at these signs to be sure.

What he’ll do:

• Put you on his “A” list (pay attention -- You'll know if you're not on it)
  
• Introduce you to his family
  
• Make plans for the future (near and far)
  
• Do things outside of his “box” with you
  
• Share his secrets and his dreams for the future with you
  
• Worry about impressing your friends
  
• Come right over when you ask him to
  
• Try to do things that comfort you or relieve some of your stress (like surprise you with dinner on a night you are working, rub your feet, or ask about your day)
  
• Appreciate and reciprocate your feelings and your actions like giving you a massage after he gets one from you, doing the dishes after dinner, or sending you a gift

What she’ll do:

• Share her embarrassing moments and fantasies with you
  
• Little things all throughout the day that let you know she’s thinking about you
  
• Fantasize about her life with you, getting married, having kids, growing old, traveling the world, etc.
  
• Tease you
  
• Hang out with your mother or talk to her on the phone
  
• Appreciate and reciprocate your feelings and your actions, like offering to pay for dinner, getting tickets to a game or event she knows you’ll love, or cooking for you
  
• Ask questions about your life -- past, present, and future
  
• Flirt with you

How you’ll feel:

• Excited, yet relaxed
  
• Vulnerable, yet strong
  
• Comfortable enough to be yourself in front of them
  
• Like you want to include them in everything (but you won't desert your usual crowd to be in a relationship with them)
  
• You’ll miss them when they’re not around
  
• You can’t wait to see them, talk to them, play with them, and kiss them
  
• You’ll find yourself wanting to make plans to have them all to yourself
  
• You’ll have urges to do romantic things (maybe on the verge of stalker-like things) that you never thought you’d never do

Signs that it’s not love:

• They blow you off or cancel dates
  
• Talking about commitment makes either of you uneasy or nervous
  
• Either of you are seeing other people
  
• Things are moving too quickly for one of you
  
• You find your partner lacking when compared to other people
  
• You watch a love scene in a movie or hear a love song and you feel a strong longing or desire for what you don’t have

Tips before you commit:

• Take the time to compare who you have with who you know deep down that you desire and deserve. Likewise, compare the relationship you have with the one you know you really want.
  
• Pay attention to how they treat their friends, family, business associates, and strangers. This is a good indication of how they will treat you over time and a big insight into their overall character.
  
• Ask yourself how well you know them and how well they know you.

source: lovingyou.com

Dating is....

05 September 2009

Dating is the most difficult and bittersweet courtship... it can be fun, it can be painful, but it is life experience in the purest form because love is the one thing that someone may long for their entire life but have no control over. Love can be a huge mountain, a gentle garden, a raging storm, a cool breeze, or a perfect bath. But there is always fire somewhere nearby. there is always the red-hot stuff of the soul's initiation. If there isn't fire, then it isn't love. It might have all the signs of what the world calls a "successful relationship" . But if it doesn't insist that you move to your next level, if it doesn't take your heart and make it explode in a million pieces, only to fall back together again in some moment of enlightened understanding, then you haven't really loved.

For those of us who still believe in faithful, mutual love..will it ever happen for us? Will someone walk into our lives one day and change everything? Where do the few quality people left out there meet these days? Unfortunately it seems so few and far between that I resort to this. Are you out there, awake, bored, imagining feeling the comfort of your arms around someone you care about?? I'm not always such a sap, but if you can't express your thoughts and feelings in the beginning, when will you really be able to?

10 Ways To Keep Love Alive In A Busy Schedule

29 August 2009

by Alanna Webb

Life is what happens when you're not looking, right? Keep your love alive even while coping with the busiest of schedules by picking up a few good habits, making the most of the time you have together.

Don't leave home without it! Kiss your partner before leaving home. Add a hug while you're at it! Two minutes that start your day off right. And, don't forget to kiss them when you come home!

Keep that date! If you don't have a regular date night every week, create one. Don't lose your identity as a couple.

Conserve energy. Shower together and save water. Plus, this is even better than looking in a mirror for keeping those unwanted pounds off.

Give each other a break. When you come home, give each other 30 minutes to unwind quietly and leave work behind.

Return to the table. Eat dinner at the table without TV as a distraction. Play soft music, and really enjoy dinner together.

Don't let chores get in the way. Try to break up chores so you don't end up trying to do everything on the weekend.

Wanna do lunch? Have lunch together once a week. Especially if you have children, this will provide time together without interuptions. On days you can't lunch together, use this time to get some of your errands done.

Prepare the night before. Do you start your day stressed out trying to find clothes that are pressed, getting your family's gear together, etc? Lay out as much as you can the night before so you can actually enjoy breakfast with your partner and family.

Happy Hour. Meet your partner for happy hour instead of driving home in the middle of rush hour. Enjoy this "mini" date.

Don't be a slave to the kitchen. If you are a two-career couple, eat your heavier, more traditional meal at lunch, and eat light at dinner. Not only will this be healthier for you, but it will save you time cooking and cleaning, so you can spend more time doing things you both enjoy.

How to Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust

24 August 2009

While there's no clear, fool-proof way to decipher your feelings for someone, there are certain ways to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation clearer for yourself.

[edit]

Steps

1. 

   

   Could it be love?
   Write down everything that you associate with the person you're feeling strongly about. Example words on your brainstorm list could include love, butterflies,holding hands, annoying snoring, gorgeous, etc.
2. Circle each attribute with a different color such as red for lust, yellow for infatuation, and green for love.
3. See which of the three feelings dominates the page. If one doesn't stand out (like if the distribution seems pretty equal), move on to the following steps for more insight.
4. 

   

   Or is it lust?
   Read literature on the topic. Questions about love are timeless questions that have consumed mankind throughout the ages and are a major theme in many scriptures, tales from mythology, and literature. Read the story of David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament, 1st Corinthians from the New Testament, the story of Ali and Fatima, Echo and Narcissus, or Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
5. Ask your friends or, if you find it easier, ask a complete and utter stranger, so that you get an honest opinion and an outsider's point of view. Tell that person how you feel, and ask them if it sounds primarily like love, infatuation, or lust.
6. Watch a movie that relates to your situation like "Cruel Intentions" (which is about lust, and wanting what you can't have), "Down to You" (which is about love and leaving it all down to the other person), "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" (which is about none of them really but it's about making a mistake and putting it right), "The Notebook," which tells a tale of life-long love and commitment, "The Phantom of the Opera" (which is about both lust, infatuation and, eventually, pure, true, self-sacrificing love) and definitely, "Titanic" (which is about holding on to someone forever until you die - that is love - bittersweet love), also, perhaps, "The Fly" (which is about a woman who falls in love with a man who turns into a fly and then goes insane, and yet remains deeply emotionally attached through this agonizing life change - which is love) or High Fidelity (which is about learning what love really is). Yet understand, that movies are fiction that depict idealized rather than realistic love.

[edit]

Tips

• Love is usually pure and a feeling that is mildly possessive but with lots of care, too; infatuation can be detected easily, when a persons says he loves someone, but is unwilling to talk, make any eye contact, or willing to do anything at all, but stay away, remaining shy; and lust can be known if your "love" shifts easily from one person to another, and lust is usually expressed through short physical/emotional (but mostly physical) relationships.
• Love is when you love the whole person (spirit, heart, mind and body), lust is when you only love part of them, which means that you see only part of the person as having value and that the whole person is not valuable.
• Keep in mind that in most relationships, you're feeling all three (love, infatuation, and lust) all at once, to some degree.
• To help you make tough decisions about your relationship, ask someone you trust who has lots of experience with the kind of relationship you want for yourself. For example: say you want to be happily married to one person for life. If your parents have both been bitterly divorced three times, then they are probably not the ones to talk to. On the other hand, if they are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary of bliss together, then they may be ideal to learn from.
• Lasting relationships are those that are built on love - not infatuation or lust. Imagine the person you love in 50 years when they are old and fat. Would that change how you feel about them? If yes, then what you feel now is most likely lust/infatuation - not love.
• Friendship should also weigh into your decision to commit. In 50 years, if you don't genuinely LIKE your mate, you're going to be miserable.
• Remember that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity or fear of being alone. Are you in love with being in relationships?
• A major life-changing decision like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married should be a natural step if you love someone. It should not inspire fear.
• Take advantage of the post coital "moment of clarity" to examine your feelings. This is not usually the moment directly after orgasm (where most people are happy with the universe), but 5 or 10 minutes later, when your breathing and heart rate are normal. At this point, does the sex still make you feel closer to that person? Or are you beginning to feel regret and anxiety about what happened? If the latter, then it's most definitely not love but lust.
• Give it some time. Love takes root slowly and grows with time. Infatuation grows into full bloom almost immediately.
• Keep in mind that "True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be." (Unknown)
• Consider what comes to mind when you think about this person. If you are not dating the person, think if you are eager to spend time with them or you just want to watch them from a distance. If you are in a relationship with the person, what do you want most out of the relationship. If you just want to consummate love to the person it is usually lust. If you want to be with them, learn about them, and maybe someday have a sexual relationship, you are probably in a good mix of all three.

[edit]

Warnings

• If you're not sure about your feelings or your relationship, take things slowly, introspect. Spend time apart and see how you are feeling while you are away. Do you miss the person? Or are you more attracted to others when you are apart?

• You may also want to consider the fact that it's not always as easy as being one of these three things; often there are a lot of grey areas, the distinctions are blurred, and it is very possible to feel two or even all of these feelings for a person. Just know that lust is not a GOOD thing when it comes to the interest of only one person in the relationship.

• Romantic love is not an "eternal truth of the universe" for all relationships. As a concept, romantic love has only been in practise for a few hundred years. Don't assume that that it is a requirement for a happy life long relationship, or that the most effective environment for finding such love is by dating. You may never feel 'in love' with the person who might be the perfect mate. You might just have someone who you decided you would like to make it work with. 'Love' or 'no love', both types of relationships require work to make them last.
source: wikihow