Money vs Love: Three Rules For Making It Through Tough Times

13 November 2009

by Jennifer Good

The money factor is one of the most common sources of contention in a relationship. How you deal with hard times can either make or break you as a couple. While we as a nation may be in a time of economic hardship, your relationship doesn't need to suffer because of it. With a little creativity and these three rules, you can use this as an opportunity to strengthen the friendship and intimacy that binds you together as a couple.

Rule #1: Your Relationship Always Comes First

When dealing with any type of stressful situation, it's important to remember that you are a couple. What one person says or does affects the other. If you're stressed out, make sure you're talking about it with your partner. Don't bottle it up and expect things to "just get better." Your partner knows when something's up, so get rid of the guesswork and talk it through together. Two heads are always better than one when it comes to creative thinking.

Rule #2: Keep Having Fun

It's easy to let things in the fun department slide when life starts to get stressful. However, this is a crucial mistake. It's these types of situations where laughter and emotional escapes from your daily life are needed most. A little ingenuity may be just what you needed to "look on the bright side" and find a solution or different perspective for your current situation. Here are ten ideas to get you started.

• Water Gun Fight
  
• Game Night
  
• Spend the Night Coloring
  
• Test Drive Cars
  
• Rearrange Furniture In Your House
  
• Start A Garden
  
• Photograph Each Other
  
• Collage a "Dream Board"
  
• Picnic and People Watch
  
• Design Your Ideal Home

Rule #3: Have A Common Goal

To keep a group of people focused in the same direction, they have to have a common goal they are working towards. The same is true for a couple in a relationship. If you are both aimlessly living your everyday life without direction, it's quite likely you'll end up either in different places or somewhere you didn't want to be. Have a talk together and talk about your one year, five year, and ten year goals and ideals. You need to have something you are both working towards together, even if it's something as simple as planning a summer vacation or getting a new car.

What's worked for you as a couple during tough times?

Share your thoughts and ideas in our comments area below!

source: lovingyou.com

Eight Steps to Finding True Love

09 October 2009

Dating Guide for 2009: Eight Steps to Finding True Love

By Dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.Special to Yahoo! Personals

Updated: May 22, 2009

2008 is winding down and New Year's Eve is coming fast. You'll blow the horns, make a few toasts. It'll be another New Year's party with no one you really want to kiss at midnight. Another lonely year staring you in the face.

But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, 2009 can be the year you find the love of your life.

You can create the stuff of your dreams by making a simple shift that changes the way you date this year. You can make a resolution right now, right here as you read this dating guide, to find new love that is better than any relationship you have had before.

For singles, the chances of finding a mate could be better than ever! The average marriage now lasts under seven years, and this means new singles are coming on the scene all the time. In fact, around 16 million people are now using online dating in the U.S. You have a lot of singles to choose from.

So go on, make the affirmation. Something like, "I will find a mate who is just right for me." Here is an eight-step action plan that can make your resolution a reality in 2009:

1. Prioritize Finding Love. Imagine if you didn't have a job. Looking for one would be your top priority. You would spend hours searching sites like Yahoo! Hotjobs, calling recruiters, and jumping on any leads.

In contrast, finding love ranks pretty low on your to-do list. You come home from work, run errands, call your friends, watch your favorite show, and maybe spend 15 minutes browsing your online dating site. Most singles are better at planning their weekend than planning their dating life.

Yet study after study has shown that relationships are treasured above all else when we reflect on what has meant the most in our lives. So make finding a mate a top priority.

2. Have a 'New You' Party. Invite friends over for a New You party where they give you a makeover. Let them go through your clothes, getting rid of unflattering stuff and putting together some hot new looks for you. Find a look that makes you feel great.

Tell your friends you are looking to meet someone special. Email the same message to any other buddies who did not make the party.

3. Work Your Online Dating Site. Throw out your old photo and profile. Have a friend who is a good photographer take 100 headshots of you in order to get one that looks especially warm, attractive, and inviting. Get some opposite-sex friends to help you pick out the best photo and work on your dating profile.

After you post them, spend at least three hours a week looking around the site, sending and responding to messages, and connecting by phone and in person with people. Block out time in your daily calendar to work the site.

4. Go Where the Odds Are Better. Sign up for two ongoing classes or activities that interest you and have lots of singles in them. Finance courses, rock climbing, golfing, snowboarding/skiing, and hiking are great formeeting single men. Single women are plentiful at cooking classes, yoga, and spirituality workshops.

Coed city sports teams are great and usually have an even mix of genders. Look into volunteering for a local or national political group. There are many other activities to consider, so search online, or go to www.meetup.com and peruse their groups.

5. Meet New People. Say hello to three new men or women every day. Assuming you are in a safe or public place, make eye contact, smile, say hi or ask for some help. This is what I call the Marcia Cross Technique. Actress Marcia Cross was in her forties when she met her husband by chatting with him in a flower shop. She now is the ecstatic mother of twin baby girls.

You can start with saying hello to the less threatening types and work your way up to the ones who are "out of your league." You will be surprised how receptive the cuties can be!

6. Date Against Type.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves.

Most singles do not find love with the type of person they imagine for themselves. The guy who wants a petite blonde winds up with a brainy brunette. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. Look at photos and profiles that you would ordinarily take a quick pass on. Try and experiment. You may be very happily surprised!

7. Go for a Second Date. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his/her different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Love almost always comes in a surprise package.

8. Open the Door. If you do meet someone and have a really good time, send a quick text or email the next morning to let the person know that the door is open to getting together again. This is especially important for women to do. Write something specific about the date that points to the connection between the two of you or refers to something you both loved.

Now you have your love resolution and plan. Most importantly, commit to the first step and make finding a mate your top priority. Then follow the recommended program to create the love you want in the coming year. Chances are, by next New Year's Eve you'll be kissing the one you want.

source: Yahoo Personals

9 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

08 October 2009

Apply these simple tips and watch your relationship flourish in good times and bad.

By relationship expert Stacy D. Phillips for HitchedPhoto: Getty Images

Updated: Aug 27, 2009

As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks in the first place.

1. Delineate "yours," "mine," and "ours." If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from "together" activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you're busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together -- at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you'll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently. Don't judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a "just because" way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner's pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she's had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the "terms" of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it's a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other -- whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a "contract" to ruin your relationship.

source: Yahoo Personals

Dating Tips: 8 Habits That Wreck Your Relationship

30 September 2009

Find out how to rebuild your bond after a wrecking ball hits your relationship -- and learn how to sidestep couple-killers in the future.

By dating editor Brenda Della Casa for Glamour

Photo: Getty Images Updated: Sep 30, 2009

#1. Having an affair with his "potential"

Wanting your man to be the best version of himself is admirable, but approaching his looks and personality with "Extreme Makeover" ambition will do little more than erode his self-esteem and leave you both frustrated and resentful. "If you and your partner believe that love means acceptance, pushing him to change and criticizing him is going to send him the opposite message. What he hears is 'you aren't good enough,'" says Nina Atwood, M.Ed., L.P.C., author of "Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid."

How to rebuild: This is where the old 80-20 rule can be used to the benefit of both of you. Spend at least 80 percent of your time together letting your partner know all the things you adore and appreciate about him, so that when you mention something you don't like, it doesn't feel like another item on a long list of failures.

More Glamour:

• Five Secrets All Guys Keep From You
• Seven Things a Guy's Bedroom Says About Him

#2. Major mood swings

We're living in some pretty anxiety-inducing times, and when life takes a stressful turn, it's not uncommon for couples to start taking out that stress on each other. While the occasional mood swing can -- and should -- be forgiven, being in a relationship with someone whose bad moods outnumber her good ones can make a man run for cover. Wouldn't you do the same?

How to rebuild: The next time you catch yourself taking a downturn, take a moment to consider what kind of impact your moods are having on your man and the relationship. "If a woman is too moody, we start to walk on eggshells because we just don't want to deal with the drama," says Matt, 31, of San Diego.

#3. Gossip

Talking to pals about your love life is a normal part of friendship, but if you're calling your BFF, your sister, and your mom every time your man pisses you off, you're not only going to wind up embarrassed when the storm passes, you'll also find yourself in a relationship with someone who feels violated and judged. "As a couple, private information should stay private or you risk damaging your reputation as a couple, which in turn may isolate you from others and sever your relationship," says Dan Schawbel, personal branding expert and author of "Me: 2.0." Remember that word of mouth is a powerful force, and it can hurt your reputation if your mate or others brand you as untrustworthy."

How to rebuild: The next time you log on to his computer and find an improper download, resist the urge to get on the phone and vent to your top five. Instead, sit down and talk things out with the one person who can help you work through it. If you're not sure how to approach him about a certain topic, sit down and write him a letter. (Helpful hint: Sit on it for 24 hours to make sure it says what you really want to say and isn't just filled with angry words and blame.)

#4. Melodrama

If you're calling him in tears every time your coworker irritates you, deleting him from Facebook during every argument, and threatening to end the relationship over him leaving the toilet seat up (again!), he might start looking for a new leading lady. "Men have a tendency to really like low-maintenance girls when it comes to relationships," says Kristian, 35, of New York City. "We're pretty lazy in general, and it's exhausting when you need to work so hard to make someone happy and calm them down every day."

How to rebuild: Save the details of your office drama for brunch with the girls, and the next time you feel your inner Heidi Montag moving center stage, take a deep breath and rate the situation on a scale from 1 to 10. If it scores below a 5, let it go and save award-worthy performances for anything above a 9 (cheating, insulting your boss at your holiday party, etc.).

#5. "Mom-ing" him

Your man loves his mama and he loves you, but when you're the one telling him to stop playing Guitar Hero, scoffing at his lack of manners, or informing him he can't go out with his pals because he has a "big day tomorrow," it's anything but appealing. He'll not only resent that you're trying to control him, but he'll also likely do what all children do when they're being reprimanded -- rebel. "Scolding your mate creates an unhealthy dynamic of parent-child relationship, which automatically puts your partner into a child role and you into the role of mom," says Jeannine Estes, M.A, a marriage and family therapist and author of "Relationships in the Raw." "Children often do the opposite when they feel as if they don't have a choice, and this is similar for couples."

How to rebuild: "Instead of scolding or telling him what to do or not do, try to ask for your needs in a clear and respectful way and avoid using the 'mother' tone," says Estes. "Share with your partner the importance of your needs rather than demanding or scoffing at what he has or hasn't done right. Also, scolding him like you are his mother can put you in a parent role, carrying the relationship without any assistance or partnership."

#6. Too much together time

Spending time with your guy is one of the best parts of being in a relationship, but there's a big difference between bonding and being joined at the hip. "Many men are attracted to secure, independent women," says Stacey Rosenfeld, Ph.D, a New York City psychologist. "Once in relationships, women may tend to become more dependent, to demand more time and attention of their partners. This can represent a problem, as often men need more space than women."

How to rebuild: Remind your guy of the independent and fabulous woman he was initially attracted to by indulging in your favorite pastimes and enjoying your friends without him every once in a while. By flashing your independence, you'll not only give him a chance to miss you but also have interesting things to share with him when you meet up.

#7. Jealousy

He lets you know how much he loves you constantly, but that doesn't stop you from checking his phone when he's in the shower or sending every pretty girl he talks to eye-daggers. Although a tiny bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal, accusing your man of cheating and questioning his whereabouts every time he walks in will have him feeling controlled, manipulated, and insulted. "Jealousy in a relationship, or even personally, is the spiritual equivalent of dumping hydrochloric acid on the person," says 33-year-old Marc from Los Angeles. "Just sit back and prepare for the disintegration."

How to rebuild: Unless your man has said or done things to make you suspicious, your jealousy is more about your relationship with yourself than you two as a couple. Back away from his computer and check out your own history. Were you betrayed in the past? Did you grow up in a household where the fidelity vows were broken? There might be ways in which you are allowing unresolved issues from your past to dictate your present behavior. If you don't feel you can overcome the green monster on your own, don't be afraid to reach out to a qualified counselor who can help you identify the sources of your insecurity and work through them.

#8. Getting too comfortable

In the beginning of a relationship, both parties make sure to look and act their best, but as time moves on, the sweatpants come out and routine takes over. "People tend to get lazy in their relationships, and while it's good to be comfortable, no one wants to be boring or to be bored," says Lissa Coffey, author of "What's Your Dosha, Baby? Discover the Vedic Way for Compatibility in Life and Love."

How to rebuild: Men love to be seduced and romanced as much as we do, and part of what makes the courtship phase of relationships so fun is the experience of uncovering the mystery of another and trying new things together. "When a woman stops making an effort to look nice for her man and expects him to take care of all the stuff in the romance department, a man begins to feel taken for granted and thinks that she doesn't care about impressing him anymore," says Brian, 30, of New York City. Show your guy he's still worth the effort by surprising him with a break from the ratty T-shirt you wear to bed, a sweet note, or planning a special night out for him "just because." He'll not only appreciate it, he'll also reciprocate -- and that's a give and take

to get excited about

source: Yahoo Personals

How to Control Jealousy

30 August 2009

Darwin believed it was our body's attempt to ward off competition for mates and protect our offspring. Psychologists often describe it as a close cousin to madness. Whatever its origins, romantic jealousy [1] is often has no basis in reality and makes us feel like we've totally lost it. Not fun. Good thing we're capable of higher reasoning! How to put that thinking brain (and a few shallow quick-fixes) to use to get the jealous beast inside of you under control.

Power of Positive Thinking

You may not be able to control a jealous attack, but you can—with some concentrated effort—redirect the thoughts to a happier place. Psychologist Ayala Pines, author ofRomantic Jealousy [2], recommends concentrating on recent happy times—"like, some loving thing your partner has done recently or of something wonderful that has happened that made you feel great about yourself." It's not a permanent fix, but may keep you from dumping your glass of pinot in that other woman's face.

Get a Second Opinion

Before dissing my partner a jealous-fueled rant, I always call my best friend for a reality check. She does the same. Recently, her boyfriend took a female friend out to dinner on the friend's birthday, just the two of them on a Friday night! I told her that I didn't think he was interested in the woman, otherwise he wouldn't be so flagrant about taking her out, but that it's normal to feel jealous. Then, I told her that I was jealous my boyfriend wanted to hang out with his friends two nights in a row. We decided I'd boarded the crazy train and should keep this one to myself.

Own Your Jealous Freak

A friend of mine, Denise, 28, was recently convinced her boyfriend and his cute coworker [3], had snuck off to a hotel [4] during their lunch hour. But because she felt un-entitled to the way she was feeling ("I knew I was being insane"), she pretended to be okay with their friendship. For folks with jealous tendencies, I entreat you: stop pretending you're not a jealous person. It ends up just bubbling up and exploding. A better method for coping is to start asking lots of questions about the situation/person that has triggered your jealousy. What does she look like, is he attracted to her, what do they talk about? In time, you may be able to ask these questions without sounding accusatory. Baby steps.

Meet the Competition

It's funny how when we imagine our partners running off with someone else, the other person is the most perfect human being in God's creation. These delusions can be remedied through fairly simple means: meet the other person. A former girlfriend of mine was always talking about her coworker, who shared my name, so I had her ask the coworker out to drinks with us. Boy was I relieved to find see she looked like an ogre. Of course, if the person is really hot and cool, you might want to skip to Find Her Flaws. Fyi, Pines says that work-related jealousies are the most common in relationships today.

Find Her Flaws

This is not the most enlightened piece of advice, but a great way to tamper a jealousy attack is to silently, privately study the other person until you identify a flaw to latch onto. "There are a ton of gorgeous people in the world and my boyfriend is good at befriending them," says Kari, 23. "So to make myself feel better I focus on the less than glowing characteristics of the girl—and before long I notice she kinda has horse teeth or hear that she has a degree at a community college or something like that."

Get a Life

Until a few years ago, I dumped everything into my relationships. I had few friends or hobbies outside of work and my partner. (Lame, I know) I got jealous constantly because losing my partner was a very real threat to my well-being. Somewhere along the way, I got very busy (potentially self-absorbed) and now I am just as invested in my job, my band, and my friends as I am my relationships. And voila! I'm less prone to jealousy because I'm just as likely to be the one meeting new people and choosing to do things outside of the relationship.

Steal the Secret of Therapists

Therapists use a process called "flooding" to treat jealousy, but—shhhhh—you can do it at home for free. Set aside an hour to think about the thing or person that is triggering your jealousy and avoid thinking about it at any other time. Make sure your cell is off and there are no other interruptions. Using props—mySpace pictures, that email you found—that create your most intense jealous aches, let your mind "flood" with those feelings. Repeat the process for two or three days, and believe it or not your jealous impulses actually begin to dull and eventually disappear.

Develop a Cheating Survival Plan

As the Eliot Spitzer [5] and John Edwards [6] sex scandals demonstrated, we can be pretty hysterical about cheating and often see it as the de-facto end of a relationship. But, most of us will cheat or be cheated on (it's happened to me twice, and I've committed it twice), and it's not a bad idea to discuss if you can get through it ahead of time. Carolyn, 31, says "My boyfriend and I agree that sleeping with one person for the rest of your life is a little unrealistic and unrelated to what it takes to make a relationship work. So, we've talked about what would happen if we slept with someone else once, and now I think we could get past it."??

Unpack Childhood Baggage

Dad was a big flirt? Mom was out of the picture? That may explain why you keep dating people that make you feel insecure, says Pines. "A child who did not feel secure in mother's and father's love, or as a teenager witnessed one of the parents being unfaithful to the other, is likely to grow up with a greater predisposition for jealousy," she said. Being aware of childhood issues are the first step towards overcoming jealousy triggers.

Trust Your Instincts

There are, of course, instances where jealousy is serving its purpose, and telling you that your relationship is in danger. When my ex-girlfriend started bringing this college girl around all the time, I felt very uneasy. My gut told me she was interested in the youngin'. My gf cheated on me with college gal a few weeks later and we did not have a cheating survival plan in effect. Of course, usually there are other things off about the relationship in a situation like this, but you get my point. Don't be afraid to trust yourself.

Follow the steps above and you'll have your jealousy in check in no time! At the very least you'll start to understand that jealousy is manageable; envy and possessiveness do not have to rule your life.

by Elizabeth Cline

Source : Your Tango

10 Ways To Keep Love Alive In A Busy Schedule

29 August 2009

by Alanna Webb

Life is what happens when you're not looking, right? Keep your love alive even while coping with the busiest of schedules by picking up a few good habits, making the most of the time you have together.

Don't leave home without it! Kiss your partner before leaving home. Add a hug while you're at it! Two minutes that start your day off right. And, don't forget to kiss them when you come home!

Keep that date! If you don't have a regular date night every week, create one. Don't lose your identity as a couple.

Conserve energy. Shower together and save water. Plus, this is even better than looking in a mirror for keeping those unwanted pounds off.

Give each other a break. When you come home, give each other 30 minutes to unwind quietly and leave work behind.

Return to the table. Eat dinner at the table without TV as a distraction. Play soft music, and really enjoy dinner together.

Don't let chores get in the way. Try to break up chores so you don't end up trying to do everything on the weekend.

Wanna do lunch? Have lunch together once a week. Especially if you have children, this will provide time together without interuptions. On days you can't lunch together, use this time to get some of your errands done.

Prepare the night before. Do you start your day stressed out trying to find clothes that are pressed, getting your family's gear together, etc? Lay out as much as you can the night before so you can actually enjoy breakfast with your partner and family.

Happy Hour. Meet your partner for happy hour instead of driving home in the middle of rush hour. Enjoy this "mini" date.

Don't be a slave to the kitchen. If you are a two-career couple, eat your heavier, more traditional meal at lunch, and eat light at dinner. Not only will this be healthier for you, but it will save you time cooking and cleaning, so you can spend more time doing things you both enjoy.

20 Tips to Keep Love Alive

20 August 2009

by Garry Gamber

Have you ever been at a loss to think of something special that you can do for that special someone in your life? Maybe you want to do a little extra for an important event, like his or her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, or anniversary.

Here are some excellent tips and ideas of some special actions that you can take to help keep love alive in your life.

1. Give your loved one a top ten list: Top Ten Reasons Why I Love You. (It’s okay to include bonus reasons.)

2. Change the screen saver on the computer to something like “You Are the Light of My Life” in fancy or bold letters.

3. Stick an “I Love You” note on his or her steering wheel while they are at work.

4. Give her the top half of a pair of your pajamas on a cold night.

5. Write a poem for her, even if it is short, and even if you can’t write poems.

6. Bake fortune cookies that contain special “I Love You” messages.

7. Give her a rose for every year you’ve known her.

8. Give him a golf ball for every year you’ve known him.

9. Learn how to say “I Love You” is as many different languages as possible.

10. Reenact the best date the two of you ever had.

11. Put your favorite love note in a frame.

12. Take walks together after midnight.

13. Memorize your favorite love poem.

14. Read the story of Romeo and Juliet to each other.

15. Rent a bicycle built for two and ride in the park.

16. Serenade her with a song, preferably beneath a window.

17. Buy him or her a copy of their favorite magazine.

18. Give her one of her favorite flowers for each year you’ve known her.

19. Write a love letter in a code.

20. Give him or her a t-shirt with their pet name on it.

Maintaining a Healthy and Loving Relationship

11 August 2009

by Michele Germain, LCSW

Most of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and magically live happily ever after... as the story goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide this.

But fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a need rather than caring. If the relationship is going to grow we must give it our time and attention. We must each give to the other and not just be focused on what it is that we need. But often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let alone making time to focus on and give to our partner. We become distracted and tension builds up each person feeling that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting met. Each partner is waiting for the other to do something about it.

When a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one wants to make the first move toward the other. (I call this the big stand off) Reaching out by either person does not take place. I see this so often in my psychotherapy office with couples who have not taken responsibility and brought to the relationship what was needed. What happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up that has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts, before I can get to the core problem which is that each person's core need to be loved and cared for is not getting met.

We all recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we do not think of tuning up our relationships. We take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating, reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our relationships. Tensions then build up.

As with anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more we will get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life. Plants need care in order to survive and grow. They need water, fertilizer, light and air. If we do not give them these essential elements they will wither and die. Relationships are no different, they need certain essential elements in order for them to grow and proper or they too may die on the vine.

Couples need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication. This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow each to open to the other to the point where intimacy can occur.

Here are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you can maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate them into your daily life as best you can, but start today.

1) Developing romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule to include time together. Be realistic with the amount of time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent. If you only have one hour a week, then do not plan a full day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the foundation of a healthy relationship. Both of you need to participate in deciding how and when to spend time together.

2) Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding the solution and working together in partnership. We show our affection in little ways throughout the day with a phone call from the office or a hug when our partner returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her car. Giving complements and expressing gratitude when your partner does something for you as simple as taking the dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.

3) Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by being open and honest with who we are and what we feel. We make request instead of demands, we watch our tone, and listen carefully to our partner. We share our hopes and dreams. We do this hopefully from a place of peace rather than a place of fear or blame. We express our ideas and goals for the relationship and our individual goals. We help to empower each other to fulfill our full potential and we work together to fulfill the potential of the relationship. Empowering means that we give encouragement support and believe in the other, maybe before they believe in themselves

Changing your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage. Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring they are not likely to bring happiness.

10 ways to maintain a balanced relationship

23 July 2009

10 ways to maintain a balanced relationship

by Katarina Kovacevic

Being in a relationship can sometimes feel like more work than play and there may be days when the bad seems to outweigh the good. But the most important element in a successful relationship is learning how to work through the tough spots. Arguments are inevitable but just because you and your significant other disagree doesn't mean you're doomed for splitsville. We connected with several relationship experts to get their thoughts on what truly makes a healthy relationship.

Dr. Karen Sherman is a relationship psychologist specializing in premarital, on-going and married relationships and she's got this advice to offer couples:

"Make sure you know the skills to have a healthy conflict," she said. "When a couple is able to do this, they can actually have a more intimate relationship." So an argument from time to time can actually be good for a couple. Just don't hit below the belt!

"Never humiliate your partner publicly or throw something back in his or her face that has been offered to you as something private. These can be more a breach to your relationship than an actual affair." Lesson: what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Learn how to keep some elements of your relationship private.

"Do not expect your mate to fulfill all of your needs and take time to understand how your partner's needs are met through words and actions." The "you complete me" scene in Jerry Maguire may have had you sobbing like a sucker but learn how to take care of your own needs and nurture your partners – but don't live for them.

Best-selling author Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil was named by New York Magazine as one of the city's top therapists. She prides herself on saving couples from all types of relationship peril, even adultery, and has a 98 percent success rate for saving relationships. Her tips include:

"Give verbal aphrodisiacs daily to your partner," she said. "Tell them they look good, that you loved the dinner they cooked." Who knew foreplay and wordplay went together so well?

"Try to go to bed at the same time every night," she said. "Even if one of you has to get up later for work."

Ladies and gentlemen, it should come as no surprise. Sex is just as important as communication. Thank you, Dr Weil! "Make sex a priority," she said. "Schedule it in. Take turns developing a sexual adventure for your partner. Use sex as a stress buster!"

Susan Barnes is a relationship expert who has appeared on numerous TV and radio shows across the country including Everyday with Rachael Ray and Playboy radio. She specializes in teaching people the art of spiritual romance. She's got this to offer couples"

"Put your partner first," said Barnes. "Put yourself in their shoes and try to think what it's like to be them before making any judgments. Most importantly, trust them." So, the next time you want to go out and party with the girls instead of following through with your set dinner plans, try to think how you'd feel if the tables were turned.

According to Barnes, the language of love comes in many different forms. "There is a fine line between being honest and being cruel. Be honest with kindness and use soft language, don't be brutal." So the next time you're ready to explode, take a step back and reconsider your approach.

"And every night before you go to bed, tell your partner seven things that you are grateful for in your relationship."

"Become unbeatable together. Stay strong together under any circumstance and be each other's rock. You are each other's best friend, lover and confidant. Be loyal to one another and don't let anyone talk bad about your partner."

We've always heard it's important to pick your battles and Barnes definitely agrees. "Stop criticizing and complaining to your partner. If you have complaints try writing them down in a notebook and read them later. You'll be surprised how petty they really are.

10 Things You Don't Know About Attraction

11 June 2009

There are some surprising — and kinda crazy — factors that come into play when choosing a mate or even just a hookup. Like his belly button and the color of your clothing. Intrigued? Read on...

1. Your Nose Should Be Part of Foreplay
The blend of lavender and pumpkin turns guys on. But, you don’t have to bake a pie and douse yourself in lavender oil. You can create the combination by lighting two candles or spraying these scents on your neck. Oh, and tell your guy to spritz on a cologne with hints of cucumbers or black licorice, since those smells were found to arouse women.
Source: Smell and Taste Research Foundation in Chicago


2. Guys Find Women in This Color More Desirable
A chick in red is more likely to be asked on a date and have more money spent on her. It’s because men are influenced by cultural symbols - like Valentine’s Day - that associate the color with romance, and primal instincts that link the color with sex. Maybe that’s why the butts of some animals turn red when they are ready to mate.
Source: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology


3. Cocktail Goggles Are for Real
When we’re drunk, guys look cuter because we don’t notice the asymmetry of their face. The biological explanation: A symmetric guy is less likely to have genetic defects and makes a better mate.
Source: Journal of Psychopharmacology


4. Men Do This When They’re into Someone
A man will subconsciously position his belly button toward the woman in the room he is most attracted to — even if he’s speaking with someone else. (Suss out your competition by checking out which women are pointing their belly buttons at him, since the rule applies to chicks as well!)
Source: Janine Driver, body language expert


5. It’s All About Timing
One week you might be craving that beefy guy at the gym, but the next week you have the hots for the slender guy next door. This could be because ovulating women prefer men with masculine features, who would make the strongest, healthiest children. Meanwhile, menstruating women want men with softer, more feminine looks who seem kinder and more cooperative.
Source: Nature Journal

6. Stress Equals Sexual Attraction
A guy in a high-anxiety or stressful situation is more likely to take a chance on you. Researchers set out to see how adrenaline and risk played into attraction by putting a woman on both a shaky and stable bridge. The study found that men who crossed the unstable bridge were more likely to ask out the same woman afterward than those men who crossed a steady bridge. It’s because conditions of high stimulation heighten sexual attraction.
Source: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology


7. Size (of His Gut) Matters
You can tell a lot about a guy’s sex drive and fertility before he even drops trou. Men with broad shoulders and a solid chest have a lesser health risk, making them better mates. Meanwhile, guys with a gut have lower levels of testosterone. Low testosterone leads to a lower sex drive and lower fertility.
Source: Harry Fisch, MD, and Kara Baskin, authors of Size Matters


8. A Sign It Could Be Long-Term Love
If you and your guy’s mom look alike, there’s a good chance it’ll work out between you two. Guys are more likely to pair up with women whose bone structure is similar to their own mothers. It’s called “sexual imprinting,” and suggests that the faces we find appealing as adults are determined in childhood.
Source: Proceedings of the Royal Society B


9. The 5/15 Rule
If a dude touches you 5 times in 15 minutes, you are totally in. A man will find excuses to put his hands on you to see how you respond. He might touch your arm, tuck a piece of hair behind your ear, or play with your necklace. If you tighten up and freeze, he’ll know to back off.
Source: Bryn Drescher, Body Language Institute


10. This Move Means He’s Smitten
When a guy mirrors your moves, he’s subconsciously telling you he’s interested in you. Sitting the same way as you, doing the same hand motions, and leaning his head in the same direction are all subtle cues that he’s attracted. And if he licks his lips after you lick yours, it’s a definite sign of desire.
Source: A. Kelly-Anderson, PhD, American Psychological Association

source: Cosmopolitan

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