People blame philosopher René Descartes for the modern idea that spirit and body are two separate and antagonistic entities. I don't. I think making this division is an age-old trap. It takes work to see clearly that you need your physical senses to be a spiritual person, and that you need a spiritual acceptance of life's goodness to be profoundly sensual and sexual. When you finally get body and spirit together—Renaissance writers said you need to be a person of soul to do this—you will discover greater joy in lovemaking. It makes sense: If you are a whole person made up of body, soul, and spirit, when you make love with only your body, you're getting only one third of the sex [1]. Spirit and soul like sex, too, and they add immensely to the pleasure. It disturbs me to meet so many people for whom sex and spirituality are completely unrelated—or exist as opposites. For those who were brought up in a world where religious [2]influence was nonexistent or plain ineffective, it may be a novel idea to consider that sex can be spiritual. Others, like me, grew up in a war between spirituality and sensuality. In my loving Catholic family, the word "sex" could stop conversations and make everyone freeze in embarrassment. I spent my teen years as a monk and seminarian. I didn't have sex until I was in my late twenties. How I Became A Divorced Virgin [3] Yet, despite all of this neurotic baggage, I came to enjoy sex as much as I am captivated by spirituality. In the monastery, I was taught to see spirituality as part of religion. But my later studies opened up a much larger notion. I discovered from Renaissance authors that any attempt to transcend yourself can be spiritual. You might learn, think, write, converse— all representing the intellectual side of the spiritual. You might play sports and try hard to reach impossible goals. In a stadium full of adoring, out-of-their-skins spectators, you might make a "miracle" play. Sports can be highly spiritual, to the point where athletes sometimes behave like monks, with their austere lives and diets and schedules. Travel [4], too, can be a form of spirituality, a way of expanding your world. The most ordinary journey, even just to the other side of town, can be a pilgrimage. Researching Greek polytheistic religion also had a strong impact on my views on sex. I discovered that people could imagine their god as being extremely erotic, sensual, and even sexy. Aphrodite was a real deity—worshiped, prayed to, revered. In graduate school I studied this goddess closely, noting the way she was presented in sacred art: taking a bath, slowly disrobing, wearing jewelry, holding a mirror to her face. I also examined images of the gods erect and full of desire. I read that the greatest of all, Zeus, had a 300-year honeymoon [5]with his wife, Hera, and that his orgasm created the many wondrous things of the world—a striking image of the creative power of sex. India has similar images of divine creative eros. Finally, I read the famous Kama Sutra and was surprised to find that it is not all about sexual positions and preparations. It begins by instructing the reader to get two major aspects of life in order: First, find meaning in your existence.What are your personal laws and needs? What are you called to do? What is your dharma? Second, get your home and career on track. Give your life form. Have a philosophy that can guide you, and apply it to your everyday concerns. Only then will you be ready to learn how to make love. Career And Family: Can We Really Have Both? [6] I came away from my studies in religion with the knowledge that it is possible to be intensely spiritual and intensely sexual at the same time. There is no contradiction. More than that, I came to believe that if a person's sexuality is not fully accepted, his spirituality will suffer. And vice versa: If his spirituality is not strong, his sexuality will be weak. From all these sources I developed what I will call the ten erotic commandments. Notice that they are not about physical love as an isolated phenomenon. I think of a human being as always, in every instance, made up of body, soul, and spirit. There is no such thing as purely physical love, because we are more than physical. So, be prepared for a broader notion of what sex is all about. There are practical steps to go with these "commandments." Realize the importance, men and women, of taking care of your bodies: being clean, smelling nice, dressing well. Pay attention, as well, to what you say, talking with some intelligence and thoughtfulness. Choose the setting and props carefully: good oils, fragrances, linens. Spiritual rituals are always carried out with attention to detail and with beauty. Have an image nearby that captures the union of sex and spirit: a photograph of one of the couples on the Indian temples of Khajuraho or Konorak, for instance, or a picture of blue Krishna with his gopis and his girlfriend Radha. I have a special love of early Renaissance paintings of the Annunciation, the moment when an angel appears to tell Mary that she is with child by the Holy Spirit. There are hundreds of these paintings, and I always look to see how they depict the spiritual semen, often as a gold stream shooting down from a bird to the uterus of the Virgin. In sex, we make contact with the divine through our partner. The more vision and care that goes into our sexuality, the more it serves as a conduit to the spirit. Sensuality and spirituality work hand in hand for the benefit of each. You can be so focused on the physical that you have no vision, no ideas, and no values. Everything becomes about the self. But if you have a spiritual life, you are on your way out of narcissism. Nothing is more harmful to good sex than narcissism, which is a neurotic worry about your own value. The only way to deal with narcissism is to love yourself in a calm, unexaggerated way. Spiritual reflection can bring you to that point, and, in fact, spiritual literature is full of advice on how to get the self or ego out of the way. The very attitude that brings you to the pinnacle of spirit is great for your sexuality. The reverse is also true. If you are a highly sexual and sensual person, your spirituality will be grounded. The greatest danger in the spiritual life is to lose contact with reality. You begin to believe in the most far-fetched things. You think of yourself as better than anyone else, as possessing the one and only truth. Ultimately, you may become too hard on yourself in an effort to be as acceptable and as pure as possible. These are extremes that a good sensual life can tame. (Some people become so negative about the body that they fall victim to anorexia and bulimia, and fascinating studies have been made on the connection between spiritual fasting and eating disorders. I have worked in therapy with people like this and have noticed that their dreams are sometimes full of sensual orgies, telling them, I imagine, where they need to go.) Inner Beauty: What Men Don't Tell You [7] Spirituality without sensuality tends to be aggressive, even turning mean and punitive. I often contemplate the wonderful painting by Botticelli of Mars and Venus. Most commentators see it as the goddess of love taming the god of war. That painting contains a dynamic that plays out in the hearts and souls of us all. No doubt that there is a close connection between sexual repression and extreme aggression. But even in our more ordinary lives,we might be less depressed and mean-spirited if our spirituality were softened by comfortable and visionary sex. The more sexual you become, engaging your entire being, the more your sexuality will be a route to the spirit. And when you pursue your spiritual goals in meditation, prayer, and ritual, you should eventually discover the body anew. You will find, as the Sufi teachers often say, that your ultimate lover is God. This is a great mystery, and I don’t mean to be at all disrespectful. But I do think that, in the end, spirituality allows all your experiences—and your entire world—to reveal the intimacy with which the divine presses itself upon you. THE TEN EROTIC COMMANDMENTS Thomas Moore is the author of Care of the Soul, Soulmates, and other bestselling books.
12 years ago
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