Secrets of Couples

31 August 2009

Secrets of Couples Who Have Lots of Sex

Take your get-frisky frequency from every-so-often to off-the-charts with these way simple tricks...you won't believe life could be this lusty.

There are couples who have sex pretty often — say, a good three times a week. Then there are those twosomes who burn up the bedsheets so regularly, you have to wonder: How do they do it? They have full-time jobs, maybe a couple of kids and only 24 hours in the day, just like the rest of us. And yet somehow, their desire to get down and dirty manages to transcend these major time and energy (not to mention libido) drains. What's their secret?

Well, we talked with some of these extra-passionate pairs and found that the "tricks" that allow them to squeeze so much sex into their schedules are so insanely simple, we just had to pass the info on. Try their advice, and pretty soon you'll find that your day is full of opportunities to tear your clothes off. What's more, you'll get the passion humming between you and your guy 24/7 — and what couple wouldn't want that?

Secret #1: Assign a sex quota

When you're both juggling a billion things — work, kid's piano recital, calling the plumber — finding the time for a little lovin' can be the last thing on your mind. So to ensure it not only gets penciled in but takes top billing, steal Eliza's trick and give yourselves a weekly sex goal. "Seven years and two kids into our marriage, we became consumed by the chaos of daily responsibilities and let sex slide," says the 34-year-old. "We knew it was crucial to find time to be intimate, but a stock Friday-night-sex-date idea felt too contrived, so we created a variation: Every Monday we pick a random number and have to have sex that many times before the week ends. If three days go by with zero action, we know we've got to make up the time fast. For instance, the other day, while the kids were in the backyard with their grandmother, my husband called me into the garage to help him 'organize a shelf.' But when I got there, he grabbed me and pulled me into the backseat of the car. He said he had no choice since we needed to get busy to make the quota."

Secret #2: Crank up your doing-it drive

Carnal connoisseurs never sit around waiting for the mood to strike — they make the mood strike. Sasha, 36, got sick of holding out for her libido to spring into action: "I thought that desire was supposed to wash over me," she says. "But waiting for that to happen in the midst of dealing with the rest of our lives meant sex was becoming a very rare event." Now, whenever she and her husband have a window of opportunity, Sasha jump-starts her libido with some X-rated thoughts. "I reminisce about the last time my husband and I had great sex — his touch, his breath on my skin, his sweet murmurings in my ear," she says. "By focusing on my sexiest memories, I'll bring myself to a fired-up state that often leads us into bed."

Secret #3: Take turns giving and receiving

"My husband and I have different schedules, so we're not always boiling over with energy at the same times," says Heather, 39. "So we decided that when he's raring to go and I'm utterly beat, he can become the sexual ringmaster for the night. I'll lie back and let him turn me on: There are times when I literally don't raise a finger and just enjoy the ride. It's guilt-free because he knows he'll get the favor returned another night."

If, like Heather, you make a deal with your man that you'll trade off take-charge roles, you'll double the number of your sexcapades and keep your partnership brimming with erotic energy no matter how tired you are. "Think of all those times you bagged the idea because one of you was too pooped," points out Heather. "We're so much happier now because we're making an effort to keep the thrills coming."

Secret #4: Rejigger your carnal clock

If you keep sex relegated to the dud time slot between the 10 o'clock news and passing out on the pillow, it's gonna suffer. Ditch the restricting notion that sex is a bedtime ritual, and suddenly you'll discover lots of little daily openings to do it in. "Our best sex is the five-thirty fling, when my husband and I both get home from work," says Jenny, 34. "Stripping off each other's work clothes is so hot that we both spend the afternoon looking forward to it." Happy hour isn't the only prime time to pounce. Weekend afternoons or midmornings, first thing pre-work...the totally satisfied set never discriminates. "Seven in the morning is the only time we have to ourselves, so that's when we get it on," says Anne, 37. "I swear, we've gone from once-a-weekers to sexaholics."

Secret #5: Have a titillating soundtrack

Music has a way of altering people's moods in an instant, so it comes as no surprise that the right CD could steer you straight to the bedroom. Rachel, 33, knows exactly what to play to pump up the passion. "During our honeymoon, my husband and I had awesome sex to Prince," she says. "Now when we hear it, we both get that sly twinkle in our eyes. To make sure we do it often, one of us will play it as a clear sign that we're about to, um, make music together. It's kept our marriage just as passionate as it was when we first tied the knot."

Secret #6: Consider sex a cure-all

Excuses, excuses — it's so easy to find reasons to put off slipping into the sack. You're exhausted. You're stressed. You're annoyed and bickering over something silly. Stop right there and consider what sexy sirens know all too well: that doing the deed can actually alleviate exhaustion, stress and tension — the very things that are supposedly keeping you from getting down in the first place! Once Alix, 33, realized that having sex would energize her rather than drain her, she found plenty of opportunities to use a little lovin' for an energy boost. "I used to always succumb to exhaustion when I was home," she says. "But now, when I'm tired, instead of shrugging off my husband's seduction attempts, I'll tell myself, 'Just do it — you'll be glad you did afterward.'" And she always is. "It's taken our lovemaking frequency from so-so to nearly every day," she says. "It's so great to think of sex as a way to connect and feel calmer rather than just another thing on my to-do list."

Secret #7: Be passionate...all day

Doing-it dynamos don't reserve their libidinous fervor just for the bedroom. These people live sexually, adding spice to everyday activities. As a result, they develop a heightened sense of desire, which makes them crave sex 24/7. "I consciously add some zing to all different little areas in my life," says Amanda, 35. "I do things like wear silky undies, buy myself an ice cream cone and eat it really suggestively or take the most luxurious shower before work with all sorts of scrubs and creams. They keep that erotic energy in me at a constant hum. Plus, they're all subtle activities that don't require hiding from my daughters."

Of course, you want him to be buzzing with sexual electricity too. "I do things in the morning that get him lusting after me," says Diana, 34. "A stretch while I'm getting dressed, where I raise my arms, arch my back and stick my chest out in front of him, does wonders. Calling out to him from the shower to bring me a towel gives him dirty ideas too. I give him an eyeful that he reruns in his mind all day. Sex is inevitable that evening."

Secret #8: Don't saddle sex with tons of work

Passionately prolific couples have a philosophy: Frequent sex, no matter what kind, is an absolute must. So if sex sometimes has to be a quickie — a.k.a. a fast-and-furious romp without romantic trimmings — so what? It's still good sex. "You have to go with the moment," advises Elizabeth, 38. "If the kids are coming home from school in 20 minutes, don't try to light a bunch of candles and dig out your Al Green album. This is when you nab the window of opportunity and jump on each other. It's done wonders for our sex life."

source : http://www.redbookmag.com

How to Control Jealousy

30 August 2009

Darwin believed it was our body's attempt to ward off competition for mates and protect our offspring. Psychologists often describe it as a close cousin to madness. Whatever its origins, romantic jealousy [1] is often has no basis in reality and makes us feel like we've totally lost it. Not fun. Good thing we're capable of higher reasoning! How to put that thinking brain (and a few shallow quick-fixes) to use to get the jealous beast inside of you under control.

Power of Positive Thinking

You may not be able to control a jealous attack, but you can—with some concentrated effort—redirect the thoughts to a happier place. Psychologist Ayala Pines, author ofRomantic Jealousy [2], recommends concentrating on recent happy times—"like, some loving thing your partner has done recently or of something wonderful that has happened that made you feel great about yourself." It's not a permanent fix, but may keep you from dumping your glass of pinot in that other woman's face.

Get a Second Opinion

Before dissing my partner a jealous-fueled rant, I always call my best friend for a reality check. She does the same. Recently, her boyfriend took a female friend out to dinner on the friend's birthday, just the two of them on a Friday night! I told her that I didn't think he was interested in the woman, otherwise he wouldn't be so flagrant about taking her out, but that it's normal to feel jealous. Then, I told her that I was jealous my boyfriend wanted to hang out with his friends two nights in a row. We decided I'd boarded the crazy train and should keep this one to myself.

Own Your Jealous Freak

A friend of mine, Denise, 28, was recently convinced her boyfriend and his cute coworker [3], had snuck off to a hotel [4] during their lunch hour. But because she felt un-entitled to the way she was feeling ("I knew I was being insane"), she pretended to be okay with their friendship. For folks with jealous tendencies, I entreat you: stop pretending you're not a jealous person. It ends up just bubbling up and exploding. A better method for coping is to start asking lots of questions about the situation/person that has triggered your jealousy. What does she look like, is he attracted to her, what do they talk about? In time, you may be able to ask these questions without sounding accusatory. Baby steps.

Meet the Competition

It's funny how when we imagine our partners running off with someone else, the other person is the most perfect human being in God's creation. These delusions can be remedied through fairly simple means: meet the other person. A former girlfriend of mine was always talking about her coworker, who shared my name, so I had her ask the coworker out to drinks with us. Boy was I relieved to find see she looked like an ogre. Of course, if the person is really hot and cool, you might want to skip to Find Her Flaws. Fyi, Pines says that work-related jealousies are the most common in relationships today.

Find Her Flaws

This is not the most enlightened piece of advice, but a great way to tamper a jealousy attack is to silently, privately study the other person until you identify a flaw to latch onto. "There are a ton of gorgeous people in the world and my boyfriend is good at befriending them," says Kari, 23. "So to make myself feel better I focus on the less than glowing characteristics of the girl—and before long I notice she kinda has horse teeth or hear that she has a degree at a community college or something like that."

Get a Life

Until a few years ago, I dumped everything into my relationships. I had few friends or hobbies outside of work and my partner. (Lame, I know) I got jealous constantly because losing my partner was a very real threat to my well-being. Somewhere along the way, I got very busy (potentially self-absorbed) and now I am just as invested in my job, my band, and my friends as I am my relationships. And voila! I'm less prone to jealousy because I'm just as likely to be the one meeting new people and choosing to do things outside of the relationship.

Steal the Secret of Therapists

Therapists use a process called "flooding" to treat jealousy, but—shhhhh—you can do it at home for free. Set aside an hour to think about the thing or person that is triggering your jealousy and avoid thinking about it at any other time. Make sure your cell is off and there are no other interruptions. Using props—mySpace pictures, that email you found—that create your most intense jealous aches, let your mind "flood" with those feelings. Repeat the process for two or three days, and believe it or not your jealous impulses actually begin to dull and eventually disappear.

Develop a Cheating Survival Plan

As the Eliot Spitzer [5] and John Edwards [6] sex scandals demonstrated, we can be pretty hysterical about cheating and often see it as the de-facto end of a relationship. But, most of us will cheat or be cheated on (it's happened to me twice, and I've committed it twice), and it's not a bad idea to discuss if you can get through it ahead of time. Carolyn, 31, says "My boyfriend and I agree that sleeping with one person for the rest of your life is a little unrealistic and unrelated to what it takes to make a relationship work. So, we've talked about what would happen if we slept with someone else once, and now I think we could get past it."??

Unpack Childhood Baggage

Dad was a big flirt? Mom was out of the picture? That may explain why you keep dating people that make you feel insecure, says Pines. "A child who did not feel secure in mother's and father's love, or as a teenager witnessed one of the parents being unfaithful to the other, is likely to grow up with a greater predisposition for jealousy," she said. Being aware of childhood issues are the first step towards overcoming jealousy triggers.

Trust Your Instincts

There are, of course, instances where jealousy is serving its purpose, and telling you that your relationship is in danger. When my ex-girlfriend started bringing this college girl around all the time, I felt very uneasy. My gut told me she was interested in the youngin'. My gf cheated on me with college gal a few weeks later and we did not have a cheating survival plan in effect. Of course, usually there are other things off about the relationship in a situation like this, but you get my point. Don't be afraid to trust yourself.

Follow the steps above and you'll have your jealousy in check in no time! At the very least you'll start to understand that jealousy is manageable; envy and possessiveness do not have to rule your life.

by Elizabeth Cline

Source : Your Tango

10 Ways To Keep Love Alive In A Busy Schedule

29 August 2009

by Alanna Webb

Life is what happens when you're not looking, right? Keep your love alive even while coping with the busiest of schedules by picking up a few good habits, making the most of the time you have together.

Don't leave home without it! Kiss your partner before leaving home. Add a hug while you're at it! Two minutes that start your day off right. And, don't forget to kiss them when you come home!

Keep that date! If you don't have a regular date night every week, create one. Don't lose your identity as a couple.

Conserve energy. Shower together and save water. Plus, this is even better than looking in a mirror for keeping those unwanted pounds off.

Give each other a break. When you come home, give each other 30 minutes to unwind quietly and leave work behind.

Return to the table. Eat dinner at the table without TV as a distraction. Play soft music, and really enjoy dinner together.

Don't let chores get in the way. Try to break up chores so you don't end up trying to do everything on the weekend.

Wanna do lunch? Have lunch together once a week. Especially if you have children, this will provide time together without interuptions. On days you can't lunch together, use this time to get some of your errands done.

Prepare the night before. Do you start your day stressed out trying to find clothes that are pressed, getting your family's gear together, etc? Lay out as much as you can the night before so you can actually enjoy breakfast with your partner and family.

Happy Hour. Meet your partner for happy hour instead of driving home in the middle of rush hour. Enjoy this "mini" date.

Don't be a slave to the kitchen. If you are a two-career couple, eat your heavier, more traditional meal at lunch, and eat light at dinner. Not only will this be healthier for you, but it will save you time cooking and cleaning, so you can spend more time doing things you both enjoy.

How to Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust

24 August 2009

While there's no clear, fool-proof way to decipher your feelings for someone, there are certain ways to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation clearer for yourself.

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Steps

1. 

   

   Could it be love?
   Write down everything that you associate with the person you're feeling strongly about. Example words on your brainstorm list could include love, butterflies,holding hands, annoying snoring, gorgeous, etc.
2. Circle each attribute with a different color such as red for lust, yellow for infatuation, and green for love.
3. See which of the three feelings dominates the page. If one doesn't stand out (like if the distribution seems pretty equal), move on to the following steps for more insight.
4. 

   

   Or is it lust?
   Read literature on the topic. Questions about love are timeless questions that have consumed mankind throughout the ages and are a major theme in many scriptures, tales from mythology, and literature. Read the story of David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament, 1st Corinthians from the New Testament, the story of Ali and Fatima, Echo and Narcissus, or Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
5. Ask your friends or, if you find it easier, ask a complete and utter stranger, so that you get an honest opinion and an outsider's point of view. Tell that person how you feel, and ask them if it sounds primarily like love, infatuation, or lust.
6. Watch a movie that relates to your situation like "Cruel Intentions" (which is about lust, and wanting what you can't have), "Down to You" (which is about love and leaving it all down to the other person), "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" (which is about none of them really but it's about making a mistake and putting it right), "The Notebook," which tells a tale of life-long love and commitment, "The Phantom of the Opera" (which is about both lust, infatuation and, eventually, pure, true, self-sacrificing love) and definitely, "Titanic" (which is about holding on to someone forever until you die - that is love - bittersweet love), also, perhaps, "The Fly" (which is about a woman who falls in love with a man who turns into a fly and then goes insane, and yet remains deeply emotionally attached through this agonizing life change - which is love) or High Fidelity (which is about learning what love really is). Yet understand, that movies are fiction that depict idealized rather than realistic love.

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Tips

• Love is usually pure and a feeling that is mildly possessive but with lots of care, too; infatuation can be detected easily, when a persons says he loves someone, but is unwilling to talk, make any eye contact, or willing to do anything at all, but stay away, remaining shy; and lust can be known if your "love" shifts easily from one person to another, and lust is usually expressed through short physical/emotional (but mostly physical) relationships.
• Love is when you love the whole person (spirit, heart, mind and body), lust is when you only love part of them, which means that you see only part of the person as having value and that the whole person is not valuable.
• Keep in mind that in most relationships, you're feeling all three (love, infatuation, and lust) all at once, to some degree.
• To help you make tough decisions about your relationship, ask someone you trust who has lots of experience with the kind of relationship you want for yourself. For example: say you want to be happily married to one person for life. If your parents have both been bitterly divorced three times, then they are probably not the ones to talk to. On the other hand, if they are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary of bliss together, then they may be ideal to learn from.
• Lasting relationships are those that are built on love - not infatuation or lust. Imagine the person you love in 50 years when they are old and fat. Would that change how you feel about them? If yes, then what you feel now is most likely lust/infatuation - not love.
• Friendship should also weigh into your decision to commit. In 50 years, if you don't genuinely LIKE your mate, you're going to be miserable.
• Remember that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity or fear of being alone. Are you in love with being in relationships?
• A major life-changing decision like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married should be a natural step if you love someone. It should not inspire fear.
• Take advantage of the post coital "moment of clarity" to examine your feelings. This is not usually the moment directly after orgasm (where most people are happy with the universe), but 5 or 10 minutes later, when your breathing and heart rate are normal. At this point, does the sex still make you feel closer to that person? Or are you beginning to feel regret and anxiety about what happened? If the latter, then it's most definitely not love but lust.
• Give it some time. Love takes root slowly and grows with time. Infatuation grows into full bloom almost immediately.
• Keep in mind that "True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be." (Unknown)
• Consider what comes to mind when you think about this person. If you are not dating the person, think if you are eager to spend time with them or you just want to watch them from a distance. If you are in a relationship with the person, what do you want most out of the relationship. If you just want to consummate love to the person it is usually lust. If you want to be with them, learn about them, and maybe someday have a sexual relationship, you are probably in a good mix of all three.

[edit]

Warnings

• If you're not sure about your feelings or your relationship, take things slowly, introspect. Spend time apart and see how you are feeling while you are away. Do you miss the person? Or are you more attracted to others when you are apart?

• You may also want to consider the fact that it's not always as easy as being one of these three things; often there are a lot of grey areas, the distinctions are blurred, and it is very possible to feel two or even all of these feelings for a person. Just know that lust is not a GOOD thing when it comes to the interest of only one person in the relationship.

• Romantic love is not an "eternal truth of the universe" for all relationships. As a concept, romantic love has only been in practise for a few hundred years. Don't assume that that it is a requirement for a happy life long relationship, or that the most effective environment for finding such love is by dating. You may never feel 'in love' with the person who might be the perfect mate. You might just have someone who you decided you would like to make it work with. 'Love' or 'no love', both types of relationships require work to make them last.
source: wikihow

20 Tips to Keep Love Alive

20 August 2009

by Garry Gamber

Have you ever been at a loss to think of something special that you can do for that special someone in your life? Maybe you want to do a little extra for an important event, like his or her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, or anniversary.

Here are some excellent tips and ideas of some special actions that you can take to help keep love alive in your life.

1. Give your loved one a top ten list: Top Ten Reasons Why I Love You. (It’s okay to include bonus reasons.)

2. Change the screen saver on the computer to something like “You Are the Light of My Life” in fancy or bold letters.

3. Stick an “I Love You” note on his or her steering wheel while they are at work.

4. Give her the top half of a pair of your pajamas on a cold night.

5. Write a poem for her, even if it is short, and even if you can’t write poems.

6. Bake fortune cookies that contain special “I Love You” messages.

7. Give her a rose for every year you’ve known her.

8. Give him a golf ball for every year you’ve known him.

9. Learn how to say “I Love You” is as many different languages as possible.

10. Reenact the best date the two of you ever had.

11. Put your favorite love note in a frame.

12. Take walks together after midnight.

13. Memorize your favorite love poem.

14. Read the story of Romeo and Juliet to each other.

15. Rent a bicycle built for two and ride in the park.

16. Serenade her with a song, preferably beneath a window.

17. Buy him or her a copy of their favorite magazine.

18. Give her one of her favorite flowers for each year you’ve known her.

19. Write a love letter in a code.

20. Give him or her a t-shirt with their pet name on it.

Maintaining a Healthy and Loving Relationship

11 August 2009

by Michele Germain, LCSW

Most of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and magically live happily ever after... as the story goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide this.

But fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a need rather than caring. If the relationship is going to grow we must give it our time and attention. We must each give to the other and not just be focused on what it is that we need. But often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let alone making time to focus on and give to our partner. We become distracted and tension builds up each person feeling that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting met. Each partner is waiting for the other to do something about it.

When a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one wants to make the first move toward the other. (I call this the big stand off) Reaching out by either person does not take place. I see this so often in my psychotherapy office with couples who have not taken responsibility and brought to the relationship what was needed. What happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up that has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts, before I can get to the core problem which is that each person's core need to be loved and cared for is not getting met.

We all recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we do not think of tuning up our relationships. We take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating, reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our relationships. Tensions then build up.

As with anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more we will get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life. Plants need care in order to survive and grow. They need water, fertilizer, light and air. If we do not give them these essential elements they will wither and die. Relationships are no different, they need certain essential elements in order for them to grow and proper or they too may die on the vine.

Couples need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication. This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow each to open to the other to the point where intimacy can occur.

Here are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you can maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate them into your daily life as best you can, but start today.

1) Developing romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule to include time together. Be realistic with the amount of time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent. If you only have one hour a week, then do not plan a full day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the foundation of a healthy relationship. Both of you need to participate in deciding how and when to spend time together.

2) Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding the solution and working together in partnership. We show our affection in little ways throughout the day with a phone call from the office or a hug when our partner returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her car. Giving complements and expressing gratitude when your partner does something for you as simple as taking the dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.

3) Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by being open and honest with who we are and what we feel. We make request instead of demands, we watch our tone, and listen carefully to our partner. We share our hopes and dreams. We do this hopefully from a place of peace rather than a place of fear or blame. We express our ideas and goals for the relationship and our individual goals. We help to empower each other to fulfill our full potential and we work together to fulfill the potential of the relationship. Empowering means that we give encouragement support and believe in the other, maybe before they believe in themselves

Changing your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage. Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring they are not likely to bring happiness.