The Steps To Breaking Up

28 June 2009

The Steps To Breaking Up

When you need to do it, do it with as little pain as possible!

by Jennifer Good

Just the words, break up, indicate a situation riddled with impending pain and loss. Even if both parties involved agree it is in their best interests to part romantic ways, there is still a certain amount of loss attached. The best way to approach a break up is to offer the person, to the best of your ability, a clean and clear separation. While there is no definitive way to do this, hear are a few guidelines that may help you.

#1 - Specific Reasons

Don't let them wonder what went wrong. Give them the exact specific reason why you want to break up. It will give them an opportunity to really evaluate what they've done to contribute to the demise of the relationship, and hopefully apply their knowledge to their next one.

#2 - Where To Do It

If you think they will be terribly upset, try a public place that will afford you some privacy, but will deter your partner from possibly "acting up." If at all possible, try to do it some place you can be alone to really talk things through. Avoid places that contain happy memories from your relationship. You don't want to spoil them.

#3 - How To Do It

While following guideline #1 is important, you also want to make sure you are not damaging their ego either. Make it clear to them that the relationship isn't working for you both because you expect different things from the relationship, or that you've reached a line that you don't feel you can cross back over. Take extra care in your choice of wording, but never lie.

#4 - After The Break Up

Your first meetings after a break up can be strained, at best. If you don't feel you'll be comfortable being around them until your emotions are more under control, try a cold turkey break up. Agree neither of you will have contact with each other for an agreed amount of time. Make sure you agree on the set amount of time during the break up process, or the ideal of remaining friends after may diminish.

Your other option is to try a sliding scale approach. Agree to only call or see each other once or twice a week, and slowly narrow it down from there. Agree not to talk about certain things like wishing you were back together, or whether you are seeing anyone new, etc.

If you must remain in contact with them because of school, work or family it is important to remain mature about the situation. Don't run out and date everyone. Allow your partner some breathing room and time to digest their newly found situation. Also, avoid gossiping about what went wrong. It just makes everything ugly.

#5 - Trial Separation

If you are unsure about wanting a permanent break up, try a trial one instead. To signify your commitment to trying to work things out, arrange an agreed upon dating schedule with your partner, maybe once a week. Arrange for the exact dates and times when you are asking for the separation!

Remember, no matter how you do it, or what you say, if you are completely honest with yourself and your partner you both will be able to move on and grow from your experience. Like the common phrase says, "If it was meant to be, it will be."

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