A Romantic Evening at Home for Mom and Dad

16 May 2009

by Brenda Hyde

We become parents, and take on the responsibility of raising and caring for our children. This is a special task with hardships, and yet wonderful rewards. But, what happened to those two people who met and fell in love? Did you turn into Mama and Daddy with no hope of another romantic evening alone? Of course not! You just need to change your perspective and get those creative juices flowing. It's Valentine's Day, you don't have a reliable baby-sitter and money is tight. What can you do?

The Plan

There is life alone for parents, and it happens after the children are in bed. The key to planning your romantic evening is thinking ahead and getting everything into place. Dad visits the video store earlier in the afternoon to rent a movie you both agree on. Shopping for your romantic meal (yes, just for the two of you) is done ahead of time. Keep everything simple and the meal light. The romance comes when you are both relaxed and not putting expectations on each other. The children are in bed, and you now have first names other than Mom and Dad.

The Meal

These are recipes and tips for a light meal that you can enjoy cooking together. You will find sharing the meal preparation, even if do not you usually share the cooking, to be the beginning of your romantic evening as you accomplish something special together.

The Main Dish:

Shrimp Scampi Noodles

1 1/2 cups wide noodles, uncooked

1/3 cup butter

1 clove garlic minced

1/4 tsp. dried basil

1/2 pound fresh shrimp, shelled and deveined

2 tsp. fresh lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

1 tsp. fresh parsley, chopped

Fresh lemon wedges

Cook noodles according to directions; drain. Meanwhile in large skillet over low heat, melt butter, add garlic and basil. Cook 30 seconds, stirring constantly. Add Shrimp; cook, stirring constantly until shrimp turn pink, about 3-4 minutes. Sprinkle with lemon juice, salt and pepper; stir in parsley. Toss hot noodles with sauce. Serve with lemon wedges. Serves 2.

Note: If you wish, you can substitute boneless, kinless chicken. It will take longer to cook, perhaps 10-15 minutes if you cut into smaller chunks before adding to your skillet.

The Salad and Bread:

Remember, you want to keep your meal very light. Since it's just the two of you, a simple idea is to buy a salad kit from the produce section. Most kits come with croutons and dressing. A Caesar variety would be very good with this dish. Also, you

can pick up a loaf of French bread, a baguette or two croissants from the bakery section and serve with butter.

The Dessert:

Pots de Creme

This is a rich dessert that can easily be made in the morning or anytime during the day. It does need to chill several hours.

1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, broken into pieces

1/2 cup light cream

1/3 cup sugar

1 egg yolk, slightly beaten

1 tablespoon butter, softened

1/2 tsp. vanilla

Whipped cream topping

Combine chocolate pieces and cream in medium saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly with wire whisk, until chocolate flecks disappear and mixture is hot. Add sugar and continue cooking and stirring until mixture begins to boil. Remove from heat; gradually add to beaten egg yolk, stirring constantly. Stir in butter and vanilla. Pour into pretty bowls or glasses, cover with plastic wrap directly on surface of chocolate, Chill several hours or until set. Garnish with whipped topping.

The Rest of the Evening

The key to your whole evening is remaining flexible and not putting expectations on each other or the circumstances. If one of the children wake up, even several times, take turns getting them back to sleep. If it's getting late, then eat your meal in the living room while watching your movie! Put down a nice blanket and turn your meal into a picnic. Remember to keep your sense of humor as a parent and a partner. The extras are up to you. You may want to add candles, a nice bottle of wine or sparkling grape juice! You need to get to know each other again as romantic partners, and in turn it will help you become better, loving parents raising your children together as a couple.

Managing Jealousy In An Open Relationship

13 May 2009

by Annsley Chapman

Depending on your uniquely calibrated emotional Richter scale, jealousy can register as a blip or an earthquake. Some people thrill from the fierce possessiveness that jealousy elicits, while others bristle at what they perceive as a lack of trust. Most experts agree that jealousy is a natural reaction that, when exacerbated, can quickly result in irrational, damaging behavior. While people in monogamous relationships grapple with their fair share of insecurity, jealousy in open relationships can assume complex, surprising forms. Many non-monogamous partners feel unnecessarily stigmatized and guilty during bouts of jealousy—there's that saying about heat and a kitchen for a reason, right?

Not quite. Wendy-O Matik, author Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships [1] and spokesperson for non-monogamous couples [2], says most people feel some jealousy regardless of the structure of their relationships. Phew! With that in mind, here are five steps to keep couples sane and happy during an attack of the green-eyed monster.

1. Lose the Stigma

People living in open relationships often feel guilty and disappointed in themselves for being vulnerable to jealousy. Jealousy can seem like a personal failure or compromising agent because, hey, you signed up for a relationship that allows you both to date other people. "People in non-monogamous relationships can feel pressured to deny or bury their jealousy just because they think it's wrong to feel that way," Matik says. "Instead, we should say, 'Yep, I'm jealous, and it feels really awful.' Denying it, of course, will just make it get worse."

2. Set Down Guidelines

"Open" doesn't necessarily translate to "no rules." Articulate boundaries so that both you and your partner know the limits to each other's permissiveness. Maybe it's okay to spend the weekend with someone else, but the primary pair should be home Sunday night. A couple might insist on always sleeping in the same bed at the end of the night, or being able to meet a partner's new love interest first. If guidelines are laid down in the beginning, there's less opportunity to accidentally snag a jealousy trip wire.

3. Know How to Take Care of Yourself

Matik emphasizes the necessity of personal responsibility and self-soothing activities in open relationships. "We can't expect our partners to take care of all our needs—everyone needs a way to calm themselves down. Maybe your plan is to call your best friend, or take a hot bath, or rent a funny movie; but you have to know how to deal with jealousy without leaning on your partner all the time." As in all healthy individuals, the ability to cope with jealousy demands a personal wellspring of confidence that doesn't hinge on your partner's love.

4. Reassurance

Declarations of jealousy should always be met with respect and understanding—ignoring or belittling someone else's fears will only magnify them. And while soothing words might blunt jealousy's edges during face-to-face time, verbal promises can fall flat when during a period of separation. Couples who make frequent gestures to express their commitment—doing small favors, staying sexually active and creative, sticking to date nights, honoring boundaries—will be better equipped to date other people and still feel secure in their primary relationship.

5. The Up-Side to Jealousy

Matik views jealousy as a "guidepost emotion"—where an exploration of its causes can yield deeper self-awareness. "Someone who gets jealous when their partner leaves for a date might discover it's because of an abandonment issue they had as a child, which is a situation that happened long before they met their partner. As soon as someone knows why they feel jealous, they're less likely to feel afraid." Pinpointing the rational roots of a frequently irrational emotion can often squelch the worst elements of jealousy—paranoia, lack of perspective, alienation, and co-dependency. Set aside time for personal reflection, schedule an appointment with a therapist, or simply bring it up with your partner.

All relationships—but especially open relationships—might do well to expect jealousy as inevitable but surmountable, human but certainly not invincible. Matik, one of the most prominent members of the non-monogamous community, writes off the idea of a perfect, jealousy-free union. "Jealousy will probably happen at some point. It doesn't mean there's something wrong or flawed with the relationship. What matters is that we love each other more than we dislike the things that make us jealous."

Source : http://www.yourtango.com

He Cheated: Do You Take Him Back or Dump Him?

10 May 2009

Admit it. Right after the shock of finding out that John Edwards had betrayed his wife with another woman, your first thought was, “Would I take my guy back if he did that?” While your knee-jerk reaction is probably to send him packing, experts say there are some situations in which he just might deserve a second chance. Read on to find out when to forgive and forget, and when you should just forget him.

Right Before a Major Transition

Moving in together or getting engaged are relationship landmarks that are supposed to cement your bond. But the reality is, many guys react to these big steps by taking a step back and straying. “When a man feels his sense of freedom slipping away, he may cheat,” explains Scott Kudia, PhD, author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy? “It’s very common for a normally faithful guy to panic and do something stupid before some sort of commitment.” Strangely enough, his actions often signify that he’s serious about his future with you. “The reason he cheated to begin with is that he believes you two are going to be together for a long time,” says Kudia. “He views it as his one last hurrah.” This isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card, though. Make him apologize and grovel. Then move on, knowing that this type of cheater usually doesn’t slip up more than once.

He Fesses Up ASAP

Of all the ways a woman can discover a philanderer, one of the least common is hearing it from the horse’s mouth. “Guys almost always keep these sorts of things a secret,” says Kudia. “The fact that he’s confessing is a huge sign. And a very good sign. View it as a cry for help.” He doesn’t want to do it again, and his way of ensuring that is by getting you to lay down the law. So, play police officer, girl. Set some guidelines and — this is important — enforce them. If he’s distraught enough over the hook-up to spill, the guy probably values you and the relationship enough to make it work.

It’s a Total Aberration

We’re going to put this bluntly, so put on your big-girl pants: The guy who’s perfect for you might cheat on you. Yes, even the most amazing, flower-sending, call-returning, make-your-friends-jealous boyfriends have been known to stray. “Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that when they truly are slip-ups, they’re survivable,” says William July, PhD, author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor. In order to salvage your twosome, it’s important to resist the urge to get revenge, make him angry, or get anxious every time he doesn’t call, according to July. If you’re capable of forgiving him and moving on, do just that. After all, it was a mistake, not his relationship MO. Bottom line: give the boy a second chance. As long as he doesn’t do it again (ever, ever, ever) and he goes back to being that practically perfect boyfriend, don’t you think he’s worth it? We do.

He’s Going Through a Tough Time

You know how when you feel stressed, you deal by watching trashy TV with a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Or surrounding yourself with 17 of your closest friends? Well, some men handle it by straying. “Guys are more likely to cheat when under great stress, because they have fewer tools in their emotional tool belt,” says July. “Their self-expression is often limited to anger and sex.” It sounds a bit counterintuitive, but if things are going well between you two, he is more likely to hook up with another woman when things get rough in other parts of his life. The reason? “He may not want to burden you with his problems,” explains Kudia. Ensure that it’s a one-time occurrence by letting him know two things: 1) You won’t judge him or think less of him if he gets fired or screws up at work or does anything else that threatens his ego. And 2) If he does it again, it’s O-V-E-R.

He was Drunk and It Wasn’t Emotional

Ah yes, the “It Doesn’t Count if I Was in a Different Country/Zip Code/Bar” excuse. He takes a few too many shots, temporarily forgets he is attached, and makes out with whatever girl is at arm’s length in the bar. Not cool. But also, not the worst thing that can happen. “This type of guy is immature, but he’s not necessarily an innate cheater,” explains Kudia. And luckily for you, most boys grow out of immaturity (whereas a natural-born cheater will seldom change his ways.) “Many young, college-age men don’t understand the importance of a relationship,” says Kudia. “They take their girlfriends for granted until something catastrophic happens.” When catastrophe strikes, be hard on him and tell him you won’t stick around if he doesn’t shape up and grow up. Most of the time, a healthy dose of reality is enough to straighten out an “immature cheater.”

Break it Off!

Five times to kick a cheater to the curb.

He got it on with an ex. Going back for seconds with an old girlfriend could mean he wants to get back together with her.

It was a full-fledged affair. Text messages. Secret email account. "Business" trips. This is not a slip-up. It's a double life.

He didn't apologize. We're not suggesting flowers and groveling will get him off the hook. But a total lack of remorse means he just doesn't care.

You two just started dating. The beginning of a relationship is when people show their best selves. If this is his best, you deserve better.

He's a repeat offender. A serial strayer is unlikely to change his was. Don't waste your time trying.

Find this article at: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/syndication/he-cheated-now-what